I'm so dense, but what is a descriptive monologue?
I failed English at school, as you may be able to tell
lol. Bad times
Ohh yay I'm featured

A monologue that describes something- another character, an event, etc.

Wow, I thought I was late, but it looks like I'm first to take the plunge on this one!

Just noticed it says week 74 and week 75 - does that mean we've got two weeks to do this? I hope so, because if not, we're all late! And when it comes to the TQ...

TQ: In 500 words or less, write a descriptive monologue from your favorite character in any fandom.

I started writing something for this, and it turned out to be a. something I want to work on a bit more as it turned into something a bit bigger than 500 words, and b. I wasn't sure it was what was required.

A descriptive monologue, eh? Hmmm. Need to give that some thought. Might have to come back later and do this. Is that allowed?


Critique:
Sometimes, People Need People, by Sarai

First of all I have to say that I have never seen Stargate Atlantis, and I have absolutely no idea what it is or what it’s about, therefore I can’t comment on characterisation, etc., or how this particular fic fits into the great scheme of things, so my critique probably won’t be very deep or insightful – sorry!

Let’s get the few grammar / spelling bits out of the way to begin with.



I thought it should be “dragged” rather than “been dragging”, as the previous sentence said “prodded” – it’s not wrong, but I would go for consistency of tense.



Just “on” rather than “onto”? And similarly, later:



Just “sat on the bed”?



I think this should be two separate sentences, so “...no signal. I hope...”



A superfluous “to”!



“Itself” rather than “it”?

That’s all! So no major spelling or grammar bits – no mistakes really, as such, just stuff I would maybe do differently if I was writing it. Which I’m not. So you can ignore it all if you like!

As for the fic itself, I thought it was really well written. I can’t help wondering what happened to lead up to this point; I presume it’s a post-epi. scenario, but in a way it didn’t really matter for me to get the gist of the story – you put in just enough detail about what happened to make it all make sense.

The way you described Elizabeth’s feelings about what had happened, and then especially her panic attack, was very real and believable, and you made a great contrast between her rising panic and Teyla’s calm quiet.

Also, you didn't clutter the conversation with too much descriptive stuff; actually, there wasn't really any description of the scene, the room, the surroundings etc, and it didn't need it. The "action" spoke for itself, and nothing else was necessary. Less is more, as they say!

I don’t really know what else to say about it, except that it was very well written, and I liked it!


Jude

Critique:
Sometimes, People Need People, by Sarai

Man this is a tough one. I've never seen SGA and this is clearly a story that requires some prior knowledge of the show to fully appreciate. Still, other then some minor grammar errors, this is pretty good. I like how detailed some of the events are, such as this one:

"Stepping into the hot spray, she sucked in a hard breath as the water hit her skin. She cursed herself as she suddenly remembered Carson’s warning to her to warm up slowly. The heat assaulted her numb body, and she rubbed her arms in an attempt to get rid of the pins and needles she felt. As the feeling of numbness dissipated slowly, the emotions that she had kept pent up for the best part of the day came bubbling to the surface. She was not going to let herself break. Not now. Not after being so strong."

Quite a rigorous ordeal for an action so simple as taking a shower. The ability to make simple actions into major events that pull the reader in is something I really enjoy, and you certainly have that.

The dialog also sounded pretty good. It seemed like a real conversation between two actual people. It was both believable and interesting.

That's really all I can think to say about this. I would have liked to include more, but again, my lack of knowledge about the series really hindered my ability to fully understand what it was all about.

I'll be critiquing this week. I tried very hard to last week and have the critique half written. But, I couldn't pull it off. I am sorry.

I will write one tonight... somehow.

I had the same issue--who knew that 9-year-olds at summer camp could wear you out so much! But not to have any critiques after a whole week is no good either. That would hurt my feelings and make me think that my story wasn't worth people's time, so I apologize as well.

I'll have to get back with the TQ (today is housecleaning day, so we'll see what I come up with while I'm doing laundry later), but I do have a critique to offer:


Critique

Your writing is technically sound, with good grammar and spelling (although, I will admit that “pyjamas” looks weird to me—in the US we spell it “pajamas”). That enhances your easy-to-read style, and helped me enjoy the story. I don’t know anything about Stargate Atlantis so I can’t talk about characterization, but I can say that both the characters had distinct personalities, both were written with good detail that wasn’t overwhelming. And even though I didn’t know who any of the characters were (those present or those mentioned) you kept everything organized and descriptive enough for me to keep everybody straight in my head and be able to follow the story without getting lost. I particularly liked the way you portrayed Elizabeth having her panic attack—I’ve witnessed a few myself (my mother used to have them a lot) and though Elizabeth’s physical symptoms were a little different from what I’ve seen (chalk that up to individuality!), the emotion was dead on and not over-the-top. You had a nice balance there without going all soap-opera-y

In the interest of constructive criticism, I feel like I have to give you something to improve on, but all I have are some style suggestions. I had a boss once that was a math teacher before he was a principal, and he used to begin a lot of his sentences with “When I taught that class…” when he spoke to me, which I hated. But now I’m about to do it to you, lol. Take my suggestions and do what you want with them, though, because that’s all they are.

You wrote:
She stripped off her clothing as quickly as she could, considering her tired and heavy limbs, and tried to ignore the bruises that were already starting to form.

I would write:
She stripped off her clothing as quickly as her tired and heavy limbs would allow and tried to ignore the bruises that were already starting to form.

You wrote:
“I tried to contact you by your radio, but there was no signal, I hope I am not intruding,” the Athosian leader explained, making her way towards Elizabeth’s bed.

I would write:
“I tried to contact you by your radio, but there was no signal. I hope I am not intruding,” the Athosian leader explained, making her way towards Elizabeth’s bed.

You wrote:
Soon enough, Elizabeth’s breathing had returned to normal, albeit still a bit heavy.

I would write:
Soon enough Elizabeth’s breathing had returned almost to normal.


See? Suggestions only, and small ones at that. I really did like the piece as a whole and I’m glad I got to read it.

I'm so sorry I stll haven't gotten around to this fic! I feel horrible about it!

But I've got exams this week (and next, hurrah), so pretty much every spare (and ever already-occupied) minute is being spent in study-mode. But once all the craziness is done, I'll come back and do this. But now, to physics. Ick.

Sorry again, Sarai!

Heyy all
Thank you so much for the critiques
I'm currently stuck in hospital (praises mobile internet )
I have swine flu, trust me, you don't want it :S but my stupid asthma made it all complicated and I was so miserable 'til I managed to log on here and see these critiques
Thank you again guys
And Giorgia, don't worry... physics- ewww, glad I gave that up 2 years ago :S lol

I'm still going to critique! I promise. It's coming. It is. I don't fail. Completely.

*Loves and runs.*

*Double take*

You're in the hospital?!?!?! What?! With the swine flu?! Ick.

*loves again.*

Get better soon.

Geez, Sarai, I hope you're feeling better soon!! Ick, that sounds like no fun at all!

And I'm sorry that this took so darn long. But all I've got tomorrow is an English exam, so I should be good for the studying for tonight. <--- Great sentence...

TQ: In 500 words or less, write a descriptive monologue from your favorite character in any fandom.

Um, apologies for being totally dense, but this is from the chosen character's POV, right? Hm. This could be fun! Or really, really hard. Eek! Okay, so, I've had this idea kicking around in my head, so I think I'll just get it out of my system before it become a full-on urge to write a fanfic, because then I'd have three fandoms to write for and I find keeping up with two hard enough. So. Elliot Stabler, Law&Order: SVU. But, alas, time [and common sense and self-preservation] has gotten the better of me again, so to English studying it is.

TQ'll be up later!

Critique:

First of all, this is awesome! And I'm not just saying that because you're sick and could probably use a pick-me-up that isn't hospital food. Much with the ucky.

So yes, this story is great. From the first line, I could tell that I was going to enjoy the story and the writing style.

Like a fair few others here, I've never watched Stargate Atlantis. I was a big SG-1 fan when I was a kid (I saw the 'movie'/pilot episode when it first came out, so I was like seven), but stopped watching it 'cause of programming and Daniel going away and such.

Irrelevant, but my point is that while I'm not familiar with the fandom, I am with the Stargate universe (here's to me, hoping that they're actually related).

One detail I loved was that list of injuries with the little background to go with them. Partially because it tells the (ignorant, in my cae) audience why she's so freaked out/in shock, but mostly because it seems to be something that TV shows just sort of gloss over unless it's a major plot-point.

You know what I mean? As in, unless there's a specific trauma or reason that they need to show the wounds, they won't. I always think that watching shows like Buffy, or Alias. And I know, Slayer powers and such, but they must get bruised so darn much. But one of them'll fall ten feet, land on their butt, and then go and sit down in the next scene, looking perfectly comfortable. Unless the writers need to use it as a plot-point.

Haha. Bruised-butt plot bunnies. There's something. Haha.

Anyway. Wow, that was long-winded. Oops. Moving on.

I love the irrational motion of covering her eyes to get rid of purely psychological images. I don't knw whether it was deliberate, but it shows a sort of futility on Elizabeth's part. The images won't go away, but she tries to get rid of them, anyway, and probably entirely subconsciously.

I like the scene between her and Teyla, too. It's almost awkward, but so very not. Haha. I can tell from the way you've written it that these two aren't the most touchy-feely of people (especially Elizabeth, am I right?) but "sometimes people need people". Whether or not it's something that they do often is totally irrelevant, because it's true. And some people, like Elizabeth, just need to be reminded (or informed) of that every now and again.

I think that the only qualm I have is that Elizabeth swears at herself. I mean, I know that people do it, and that TV has censorship, like, everywhere, but... Because you never see it on the show, it seems like it's almost always out of character, if you know what I mean? The fact that you mentioned that she swore is probably enough, here. But this is more of a personal thing for me, I think, than something you need to fix. So if you want, just ignore me. Hehe.

And more description between the dialogue! But that's just because I loved the descriptions so much. Haha. So again, just ignore me, but I can't wait till your next piece is up!!

Again, I really hope you feel better soon, Sarai!

Giorgia

Yay That is exaclty what I wanted to get across when I wrote this

I'm still in the hospital but am no longer subjected to hourly prodding and vitals taking *yay me*
The flu made my throat close up and my lungs are all inflamed, but I'm getting better

EDIT- Agrees with Giorgia below

Good! I'm glad you're feeling better!

But I think we better leave this thread alone, or someone'll get moderator on our collective xxx. Hehe.

I'm sorry I never critiqued this one... I kinda found it hard, though, because I don't know the fandom, and I beta'd it. So, I apologize.

I did want to stop by and say that I hope you're feeling better, *Sarai*.

Critique:

Okay, so I actually started critiquing this one several times when it was featured but I didn’t really get the chance to finish it. But, I did promise. So, today is the day. You’re getting a critique.

The only thing I didn’t like was the fandom, lol. I didn’t realize that I knew so completely little about the fandom until I was reading the piece. I felt completely lost. BUT, that’s not to say that the fandom was even bad. Write fanfic about whatever you want to. And any fandom is welcome here at the FCG. It’s just that I was at a huge handicap because I was so lost.

Anyway, things I liked:



Lines like this. The reason I’ve always loved your work. I dunno why, but I just really loved this line. I read it several times, just enjoying it. I guess because it took something so simple like a touch and made it into something so serious--and healing. I love the way words can turn simple things into so much more. And I love the way you did that here. and consistently throughout the piece.

TQ:

Everyone says they hate being a CSI on a rainy day in the hot days of a Las Vegas summer but the truth is I can’t help but love the rain when I’m working with her. The way it runs down the back of her neck from her hair. The way it makes her clothing dangerously see-through. And the way the rain makes it feel so much less wrong.

Then there’s knowing that she’s going to have to change when we get back to the lab. The way she’ll shed the layers of her clothing without a second thought as I take my time getting ready to finish my shift. The way she’ll let her long strawberry-blonde hair fall from her pony-tail.

The way she studies me when she catches me watching her. She moves a bit more slowly, teasing me. I can’t help but want to move closer to her. Wrap my long arms around her and watch the way the dark and light tones of our flesh mingle.

Oh--unlike my team I love hot summer days in Las Vegas. Especially when it’s raining.