Happy birthday, Race, my dear! Hope you had a good one

I'm on vacation this week, which means no screaming nine-year-olds to chase around at summer camp and time to critique. It also means I'm using someone else's computer, so I don't have the benefit of spell checking or word counting with Word, so bear with me here...



TQ, in 100 words or less: Tony prattles on at crime scene about a date, irritating McGee unknowingly. The building at the scene blows up, with Tony inside. McGee's hearing is damaged, but everyone else is okay physically, though distraught over Tony--who isn't dead, yet. McGee feels guilty, apologizes to Tony at the hospital, cries, thinks about how Tony would laugh if he knew McGee was crying. Tony does know, watching from some sort of Limbo with tears in his own eyes, trying to decide whether he wants to live in a broken body or die.

That's 91 words, but I don't think I told it better than the author!



Critique

Things that need work:

As usual with your work, I found little to improve. I didn't find any spelling or grammar errors, only a couple of phrases that could be tweeked (because I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to wording). For example, in the first chapter you used the phrase "his entire world faded to black" at the end of the first section, and "his world quickly went black" just a few paragraphs later at the end of the third section. Since those two phrases are pretty similar, you could change one to "he slipped into unconsciousness" or something of the like. It's not visual as "fade to black" (which is probably why Metallica liked the phrase, lol) but it doesn't sound repetitive. The other phrase that bother me a bit was in the first chapter where you describe McGee as drinking "from his coffee". If it had been me, I'd have left out the "from" to make it simply he "drank his coffee", but that's a matter of style rather than rules.

Things that were good:

For a visual reader/learner like myself, this story was wonderful. You did an amazing job describing the situation without using what I like to call the "SAT words"--the big vocabulary words that one tends to only see on college entrance exams. The best part of the first chapter was when you talk about Tony not being dead yet. I physically cringed and made some kind of hurt sound out loud because the statement just...struck me. All I could picture in my head was Tony burned and battered and departing this life in a slow, agonizing way. At that point I was actually hoping he would die, just so he wasn't suffering. In the second chapter, the same thing happened at the end when Tony says "I'm sorry too, kid". It was another statement that made me feel as though I'd been hit in the chest, and was a great way to end the story. I liked, too, that you never actually said what Tony's decision was...although I'll probably be jumping up and down later cursing you for it, too! I like to know what happens, but the mood of this story lends itself to a philosophical-type ending, and not knowing the answer really works better here. This was a treat to read, even with the heavy sadness involved.

This is a long critique. 8) I hope it's helpful, haha.

Critique:


[s]First: Edward was a vampire. Second: there was a part of him, and I don't know how dominant that part was, that thirsted for my blood. And third: I was completely and irrevocably in love with him. [/s]

Good way to open up the story. I think you could be less vague, though, because saying 'it' hurt is like asking for 'something' - nobody knows what you're talking about. Or, you could be vague, but given the content, it would make sense just saying 'everything' instead of 'it'.



I don't particularly like the wording in the first sentence. It doesn't sound like it fits in the story for some reason. The second sentence would flow better in my opinion if instead of 'was' it was 'had been'. 'have that weekend shift' sounds really strange (sorry!) maybe it'd be better if it was 'their team was supposed to be there, but Gibbs had requested that they have that weekend shift off' or something like that.



I love this part. I may be sick & twisted because of it, but I just love this part. And the rest of the section.


I really don't like the 'and thus it began' that you have throughout the story. It reminds me of a children's book that I read to my niece when she comes over, and I'm almost positive you don't want somebody to compare this to a children's book.



Instead of 'which', I think the last sentence would be better off as 'it'.


I love this entire part, but this is the part that really hits me. So much angst! I love it. <3

Onto chapter two!

I'm not a big fan of repetition, so I skipped over that first two parts after skimming the entire chapter first. Sorry. D:


Hahahaha. I love that quote. The rest of the conversation between him, Kate, Jenny, and Paula was awesome, too. The rest is awesome (I'd be more enthusiastic but at the moment I'm a little insane due to a certain three year old trying to push my limits.) and I feel like a bitcharlie right now but I found something wrong with this:


The Kid thing... it'd be more Tony if he had said Probie instead since that was his nickname for McGee for, like, ever (and I think it still is, but I haven't seen NCIS in forever, haha).

I'll edit this with the TQ later, I'm super-duper busy (and a little annoyed/insane) right now.

Apologies for the lateness of this critique, I still can’t shake this illness and I’m a little drugged up atm, prescription drugs might I add This TQ was really hard for me. My brain had seemingly melted due to this stupid virus :@ It is 100 words exactly though

TQ: An explosion at a crime scene leaves most of the team with minor injuries, except for Tony who is critically ill. McGee goes to see Tony at the hospital because it looks like he is going to die. Tony is hovering in a limbo between life and death, with Jen, Kate and Paula for company. They give him a choice, live with a lower quality of life, or die. Somehow he is able to see McGee sitting at his bedside, crying and apologising. He makes an agonising decision, and an apology himself, to McGee, as he chooses to let go.

Critique:

Good things;

Chapter 1.
I really, really love the beginning. It’s so clear and to the point. I dunno, it kind of fits McGee’s personality too, I can’t explain it, but I love it.

‘But Tony was.’ *squee* I’m a huge fan of tiny tiny sentences. This particular one just filled me with dread. I almost didn’t want to read on because I knew it wouldn’t be good for Tony. (This is a good thing)

‘McGee watched as Ducky’s eyes began to water. The older man bit his lip, and that was all the confirmation McGee needed. Until Ducky picked up the pen again.
Not yet.’- ahh you fooled me here, I really thought he was dead too. It was really clever

‘Waiting to see if his friend would live or die.’ Cliffhanger much? But it was deifintely a good place to end the chapter- it really built up the tension and angst that I knew was coming in the next chapter.

Chapter 2.

I just have to say, this chapter was amazing. I’ve never read an NCIS fic like it and it was refreshing to see a friendship fic with everyone included, even Kate. You get extra points for including her

‘“Crap. I’m dead.”’- Such a Tony thing to say, I can imagine him saying it In fact the whole part where he’s having the conversation with Jen, Kate and Paula, he’s so in character. I find it really hard to write him well.

I really liked how you brought Paula back into the story as well as giving your own explanation on the Jenny storyline, it’s like you were tying up some loose ends, and I think that if Tony were in that situation that’s the question he would want answering. Amazing

The very last bit with McGee talking to Tony, was really poignant, because their relationship is kinda like older brother/younger brother, and even after all the teasing and the annoyances, McGee really cares for Tony and vice versa. It brought a tear to my eye

And the end, did he die? Didn’t he? It’s a teensy bit ambiguous and if you wanted to believe that he chose to fight you can but I think he chose to go, and that’s why he’s apologising.

Not so good stuff:

I really liked the ending, but I’m agreeing with what someone said further up, that maybe ‘Probie’ would have been more appropriate than ‘Kid’ but then again maybe because Tony was being more sensitive than usual he wouldn’t have used ‘Probie’ I dunno, I’m nit picking now :S
It hard to find anything wrong with your work as it’s always such a high standard so all I’m gonna say is I absolutely adored this fic. It’s one of the best NCIS fics I’ve read in a while Good job on making my week.

TQ:

Tony and McGee get blown up at a crime scene. McGee loses his hearing, and Tony may or may not die. Both feel guilty because they'd been fighting earlier in the day.

32 words.

*~*~*~*

Thanks so much for the awesome critiques, guys!

In regards to the 'kid' thing- I drew that from "Dead Man Talking" and "Kill Ari," where Tony calls McGee 'kid' when he's slightly more emotional, but I see what you guys are saying as well.

Thanks again! You guys rock! And thanks for the birthday wishes, Zelda!

First off:

I'm so sorry that this took so long!

Secondly:

I'm so sorry that it'll probably be too short to be worth the wait!

I've been just about snowed under by work recently. Really. What kind of sick [insert dirty word here] give their students this many assignments the week before exams? Honestly.

So I'll not be around much next week, either I don't think. Or for the next few, really. But I'm trying!

Ahem.

TQ: Retell the featured story. Tell it better. Use 100 words or fewer.

Wherein people get blown up, McGee cries, Tony dies (maybe), and all our dead favourites come back for special guest appearances as reapers.

...? Or something?

Critique:




Huh, I saw this episode for the first time like two weeks ago. Good timing.



Not sure if anyone else has pointed this out, but it should be "wring Tony's neck".

The little scene between Abby and McGee was really good. I can just see it. Abby, who talks incessantly, doesn't need to, because McGee can't hear her, so what she's really feeling is a little closer to the surface. It shows the uselessness of words at times like this.



I think you've captured that emotion perfectly with just this line.

This, too, is great:



Because it seems like something that it totally a TV cliche, but it's really not. I mean, what else can you do if someone you love so much is there, but not? Tony's physically there, but the rest of him isn't.

The image of Tony being still made me pause for a second, too. Just because it is so unlike him.

I also think that McGee puts on a brave face a lot of the time, especially around Tony. Tony teases him so much (and Ziva and Gibbs aren't much better) that he's sort of afraid to show that... vulnerability. So it says a lot that he's not even considering that when something really goes wrong.

Just as an aside, I don't think I've ever read an NCIS fic that's about Tony and McGee before. But it's nice to read one, because they do have such an odd relationship. Really, they're very much like brothers. They love each other, but can't help needling and teasing and just being generally obnoxious. Especially Tony, who I think really sees McGee as a younger brother.

The repetition between the first and second chapter are good, too. They not only link them, but the add another dimension to the story.



Haha. So like Tony to make cracks about sex when he's in the process of dying. But when Kate was there, I was so happy! I loved Kate. And she and Tony were just the funniest friends. I think they were kind of like Tony and McGee, in the 'sibling' sense. Loved needling each other, but they actually fought a fair bit, as opposed to Tony/Ziva-style flirting (not including the whole Michael shinnanigan).

Kate shrugged. “You’re like an X-rated Peter Pan.”

Hehe, aww. See? I love these two, and you've written the funniest/most depressing dialogue for the four of them. This scene really is great. I hadn't noticed, though, that NCIS only ever kills women. Haha. Well, the good ones. Most of the 'bad guys' who die are men, but of the actual team/people they like, they're all women. Huh.

Aw, poor Tony. I like that he just sort of apologises generally, but I imagine that for every reader it's different. Did you have a specific meaning behind Tony's apology, and I'm just being daft? Becuase to me, it sounds like he's decided to die and is apologising for that. But he could be apologising for so many other things.

It's just such a layered phrase, especially coming from Tony, in his current situation.

But the one thing I really learned from this story is that I never want this to be canon! I think I'd cry. A lot. For weeks.

Despite my dislike of the actual plot (because I love Tony, and he pretty much makes the show because without him the whole group dynamic would be totally lost) of the story, I love the actual piece. It shows Tony and McGee (both together and separately) in a way that they're never really seen, and I like that.

But now I have to have dinner. Hehe.

Great piece, Race!

Critique:

Okay so I’ve actually sat down to write a critique. It’s been long enough, huh?

Anyway, I really liked this story the first time through but I must admit that I didn’t know much about the characters which made it harder to want to critique. Now that I’ve actually seen a few episodes of NCIS, well I’m excited to get the chance to critique.

Okay for starters, the only thing that I didn’t like was the way you introduced McGee’s hearing loss. It was sorta abrupt. I mean for all we know he’s hearing Gibbs just fine and then all of a sudden he’s missing out on other things. I guess it just felt convenient. Or, did he simply fault to realize that he was reading Gibbs’ lips? Anyway, it was a bit awkward.

BUT other than that I have to admit that I loved the piece. Even more that the episode you go back to with the explosion is one of the few that I’ve seen. Also, because I can tell you’ve got the characters in hand very well. Especially Ducky. I was really pleased with that, haha. Because it’s so hard to tell how someone would react in that sort of tragedy.

That all said, I’ve been telling you for years how much I adore the evil side of you. Well the second chapter took that to a whole new level. And I loved it. Telling someone to choose if they live or die in that scenario was terrible. And delicious. Poor Tony must have had the hardest choice he’s ever even thought about making on his hands.


TQ:

My whole point with this TQ was that it simply can’t be done. You can’t re-tell another person’s story any better than they did. Each story is unique to each author and is wholly theirs.