I have come to offer my humble apologies, pieceloverainbow.

I'm not going to get a critique in this week for your story--I had a migraine the first part of the week, finished out summer camp (yay!) the second part, and am now headed out of town for a week of fun with some friends...but limited to no internet access

I do love me some CSI, though, so I'll try to read it when I get back home and leave a review on ff.net at the very least.

I might even bring you back something from Baltimore...crab cakes, anyone?

TQ: Write a short scene in which your two favorite characters (they don't have to be from the same fandom) discuss the film Gattaca. A maximum of 250 words.

Hm. This should be interesting, in that I haven't, um, seen Gattaca... Mmm. So... Wikipedia, light my way!

Okay, was I the only one who assumed that Gattaca was about Anicient Rome?

And whoa. The title is because of DNA sequences?! That's awesome!! But I don't know if I can pick two favourite characters without offending parts of my brain, so I'll use familiar ones, instead.

So, here goes: Martin and Danny, Without a Trace:

Danny rolled his eyes. "What? Just because you're a geek you expect me to be one, too?" he asked pettily. Martin only scoffed and signed a piece of paperwork before turning back to Danny, who was perched rather immovably on the edge of his desk.

“The movie’s a classic, man,” Martin argued. It was Danny’s turn to scoff.

“Gone With the Wind is a classic,” Danny countered. “The Elephant Man is a classic. Gattaca? Gattaca is not a classic.” He took a sip of Martin’s coffee, as if hailing the end of his little tirade.

Martin wondered if Danny did it just to annoy him. It was hard to think otherwise when Danny smirked that damn smirk at him like nothing, nothing was more enjoyable than taunting Martin and stealing his coffee.

He swore never to make a pop-culture reference in front of Danny again.

God, that was terrible, but hey. 100-something words. Argh. Brother's got to do his taxes, so I'll be back to critique ASAP!

Huh. Co-ink-i-dink of the week: turns out Gattaca was on my Set Text List for English. So I could legitimately have studied it this year for English. Huh.


Critique:

*Snicker* Was the Matrix reference in the title deliberate? Becuase that's just plain funny. Hehe.

But this is a very interesting piece. I can see the scene playing out even though I've only seen a whole episode of CSI like three times in the past two years. But I can picture it (the green-grey tint that CSI always has, and all) very well.

I never really caught on to Ray as a character, because he seemed to me to be such a Gary Stu. Or a fill-in for Grissom and Sara (just kind of combined into one angsty workaholic know-it-all), but Lawrence Fishbourne plays him well, and if I'm reading him from this kind of perspective, he has much more depth and solidity-of-character than the show's writers seem to give him.

(Like I said, haven't watched it in ages, but this is how it seems to me).

The piece is interesting in that it leaves me with questions about the case (like why the boy was really killed, who he was, ect.) as well as questions about the charaters. I'm still mulling over the sort of philosophies that Ray might carry around with him.

This line:



shows a lot about Ray's character, to me. It shows that he's incredibly rational, even amongst all this pholosophising over "What is power?". It's an interesting contrast, but a very important one, I think. A similar line is the one about the shoes.

Weird, though, the first time I read this, I pictured the scene as taking place in the morgue. I'm not sure why, but I think it's just that through all Ray's deep-thought, and his conversation with Catherine, and the lack of any detail as to what's around them, there's a sense of calm and quiet and being walled-in.

Which is definitely not a bad thing, because as I read it a second time and realised it wasn't in the lab at all, I had the sense of the three of them (Ray, Catherine and the boy) sort of having their own little world in the middle of a busy, bright, noisy crime scene, which must be crawling with people. Which added another dimention to the story, for me.

So all in all, a lot conveyed with such a short fic, and very well written and executed, PLR!

Giorgia

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TQ: Write a short scene in which your two favorite characters (they don't have to be from the same fandom) discuss the film Gattaca. A maximum of 250 words.

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Well, I’ve never seen this movie. So I have also looked it up.

Two employees of the Las Vegas Crime Lab moved about in the small layout room. Greg Sanders, the recently field-bound lab rat, scurried about, placing pictures on the lighted table. Gil Grissom, his superior and Supervisor of the Grave Shift, stood off to the side, studying his movements. When Greg was done, Gil stepped forward and picked up one of the photos.

“Look at the way his arm is positioned.” Greg looked up, studied the position, then tried to replicate it with his own limb. Unable to do it, they younger man frowned.

“You know, this is exactly like to movie Gattaca,” he said with a small smirk. Gil raised an eyebrow. “They killed this man because he wasn’t as good as the rest. Even though their company stresses non-discrimination.”

Gil placed the picture back on the table and turned to face the man. “Greg, that movie was about destiny and how the characters dealt with it. They were genetically altered; there was nothing they could have done about it.”

Greg chuckled, rolling his eyes, before turning back to the case.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Peaceloverainbow
Power
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Critique:

I know I haven’t done this in a while. Sorry if I’m a little rusty.


It makes more sense if you change ‘has’ to ‘was’. It flows better.

That’s the only mistake--if you could even call it a mistake-- I could find. I really like the first paragraph of this. It was very to the point and creative. Also the dialogue, I felt you did an amazing job with characterization. Overall, great job, I liked it!

Taylor

My Critique has been edited into my TQ above!

TQ: Write a short scene in which your two favorite characters (they don't have to be from the same fandom) discuss the film Gattaca. A maximum of 250 words.


“That’s gonna make our job harder.”

“What’s that?”

“All this designer baby crap.” Speed folded the newspaper he’d been reading and tossed it onto the coffee table. At Eric’s blank look, he went on, “You know, messin’ around with your kid’s DNA just so you get a blue eyed baby with an IQ of 250. It’ll be like living in Gattaca.”

“Where’s that?”

“It’s not a where, it’s a what.”

“What?”

Speed looked at his friend across the table, a look of piteous contempt on his face.

“Don’t tell me all those movies you take your girlfriends to, and you never saw Gattaca.”

Eric shrugged and gave a wide grin. “Who takes their girlfriend to the movies to actually watch the movie?!”

Seeing that Speed wasn’t exactly amused, Eric wiped the grin from his face and feigned interest in an intelligent discussion. “So where – what – is Gattaca?”

Speed leaned forward and opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, wondering if it was worth trying to explain the movie. Even using words of only one syllable, he didn’t think Eric would be either interested or impressed.

Finally he said, “It’s about a world where genetically enhanced human beings are in charge.”

“And...?”

“And it’s a good movie.”

“Oh.”

A long pause, then Eric got up to leave the room. He hesitated in the doorway, turning back to speak to his friend.

“No wonder your girlfriends always dump you after you take ‘em to the movies!”

(OK – not my best work, but at least I tried this week! )


***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

CRITIQUE:
Power, by Peaceloverainbow
[CSI: Crime Scene Investigation]


Let’s get a couple of typos out of the way to start with:

Should it be “had gotten more violent”?
(Also, being English (! !), I'm never sure about the use of the word "gotten"! I would maybe say "had become more violent" instead. But like I said, I'm English - what do I know?! )

And I think Taylor already pointed out up there ^^^:

I think should be “this was a warning”

OK. Now that’s out of my system... To the fic!

Short, to the point, nice scene that I could well see being played out on the show – although Ray would have to do a lot of talking, because even the great Laurence Fishburne couldn’t convey all his ruminations on “power” with just a few thoughtful looks!

The problem I had with the piece is that it just didn’t seem to flow very well, and I’m not sure why.

One example:
I found I had to read the first couple of paragraphs through a few times to make them make sense, and I think it was because three times you talk about mob bosses / the govt / people being “the most powerful”, and it felt like there should be something more: “the most powerful... what?” It felt like there was something missing that was getting in the way of the words really making sense, or maybe that it wasn’t quite phrased right, or... I don’t know. But I felt the same at several points throughout the piece.

This is going to sound really rude if it’s not the case, but that’s not my intention at all, so... sorry in advance! But it made me wonder if you’d written it in a bit of a hurry and, given more time, you would have sharpened it up some more.

However, having said all that, I loved the premise of the scene and, like Giorgia said, I could just picture Ray and Catherine playing out the scene almost in their own little bubble while the world carried on around them – I could almost see the yellow tape, the flashing lights on the patrol cars, and Brass questioning people in the background!

I also loved the way you almost kind of “stepped out” of the main themes of the piece (power, the mob, the reasons behind the kid getting beaten beyond recognition) and dropped in a couple of bits that on the face of it were almost inconsequential, but obviously would prove crucial at some point even though you don't get to that point in this piece, like Ray's actions:
and then

I just think some writers wouldn't have bothered to put bits like that in, because they weren't going to get back to them later. So I liked that you put them in anyway.

Characterisation? I haven’t quite got into Ray Langston’s character yet, but from what I’ve seen of him on the show so far, you got him just right with his moody-broody musing! And Catherine was... well, Catherine! So yeah, good characterisation too.

So, good bits and not so good bits, but mostly... good!

Jude.

I'm sorry this is so late... It's been a crazy few weeks.

TQ:

The ringing phone caught him off guard, and Adam jumped awake. “Huh?” he asked.

“Dude, Gattaca?” Greg replied, both shocked and pained.

“What?” Adam was trying desperately to shake off the sleep so he could understand what Greg was saying.

“I thought you said this was a good movie.”

“Huh?”

“Am I speaking in a foreign language or something?”

Adam groaned, annoyed. “You woke me up.”

Greg snorted. “Oh, well excuse me, Princess.”

“Shut up. It’s 3 am out here.”

“Yeah, and it’s midnight here, man.”

Adam sat up in bed, realizing Greg was intent on continuing this conversation. “You work these hours, I don’t. Besides, shouldn’t you be at work?”

“It’s my night off. Now, back to… dude, Gattaca?”

“Good movie.”

“I fell asleep, man. It was boring.”

“You’re boring.”

“You’re tired.”

“You just woke me up, and it’s late. What else do you expect?”

“What was the point of the movie?”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Defying social standards. Following your dreams. Cheating, if you have to, to get there.”

“Heartwarming,” Greg retorted sarcastically.

“Something like that,” Adam replied. “That enough of an answer for you?”

“You’re grumpy when you’re tired.”

“You woke me up to ask me about a movie. What did you expect?”

“Fine, then,” Greg grunted. “I’ll let you rest.”

“I’m sorry,” Adam said. “Today was rough, and I really just wanna sleep.”

“Okay,” Greg said, any anger gone. “I’ll talk to you later. Get some rest.”

“Okay. Night.”

“Night.”


Critique:

It's good. Short, but good.

The ending is kind of abrupt, unexpected. The sentence reads almost like you were going somewhere with it, like what kinds of things you could drink to forget. Yet, at the same time, it is a pretty good ending. It leaves it open to interpretation, for the reader to figure out and wonder just what kinds of things Langston would drink to forget.

I have to be honest, I haven't watched many of the episodes with him in them, mostly because I lost interest. But the story reads well, has a nice tone to it, and feels good.

Besides the one issue someone else noted about "had" versus "has", there were no other problems with the story. Great job.

Critique of, Down the Rabbit Hole by, peaceloverainbow

Good Things:

Your opening was perfect! Seriously, it set the tone/mood of your story so well and reminded me of something very similar to Sin City, or one of those dark detective stories in a comic book setting. Did that make sense? Ha, it just has great momentum and a very dry and descriptive, yet to the point, atmosphere. In fact, your entire fic continues on in this vein.

Generally, I liked it and thought it was a neat little drabble.

Things to Think About:

Consider making this multi chap? It definitely has potential.

Sorry this is so short, but I'm not sure what else I can say that the others haven't. Plus, I thought it was great.