Yay, I’ve been featured! Well, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system…


TQ: Briefly describe the first fanfiction you've ever written.

Hmm, the very first one? I haven’t thought about that one in a long time. I’m not sure I remember the name of it, but I know what it was about. It started out with Sara coming back to Vegas pregnant, then Catherine found out. Then I think after a few ‘months’ were kidnapped, and while in the process of being rescued Sara ended up killing Catherine and Warrick’s son. It was a long time ago, and I don’t really remember. It was too melodramatic and stretched out. I had posted it on the CBS forum before they changed it and all my work was lost. Most of it is still in old notebooks that I have. Oh well, it was a bad story anyway.

Thanks to anyone who critiques!

Taylor.

This is my very first critique here, and I hope everything is by the rules. I divided it into likes (where I will point out the things that I liked the most), dislikes and nitpicks (if you don't think they're necessary, just tell me, please). I hope that's okay.

So, here's my opinion on Miiztaylor's story.

Likes:

The idea -- I found it very original. It was such a nice way to stay true to the canon and to give us hope for Catherine and Warrick at the same time.

The ending -- I don't think it came too abruptly. They saw how Lindsey and everyone from the team coped with Catherine's death, and then she decided it was high time to move on. It was a natural thing to do. No big words were used, and that's what made it so beautiful. We can see that they are moving on together and that they are closer than ever, but you didn't make it mushy. Well done!

Moreover, Cath's stubbornness and her concern for Lindsey were very in character. I also liked the fact that Warrick was thinking about Eli so much.

"Another thing the job taught me: Nothing is surprising when it comes to what a human being is capable of." - This is so true.

Dislikes:

Okay, this is not really a dislike, not even close. It's just that I would repeat "It's been a rough couple of..." or put something similar right before "The sound of crying sprung me from...". In that way, you would link the event with Catherine to the beginning and make Warrick's thoughts about his job, Eli and Gedda a somewhat more separate -- but still integral -- part of the story. It's only a suggestion, of course.

I also have to mention the tense shifts from the first paragraph here. Warrick says, "In order to keep my mind off things I try and do what my friends have taught me over the decade I’ve worked with them. When you’re feeling like you screwed up, and that everything was your fault, think off all the ways it wasn’t. When you become disgusted..." And yet, the paragraph begins in the past, so he should say, "...I tried and did what my friends had taught me...". Then you switch to the present. I think that could be simply resolved by using different punctuation -- just put a colon after "them" and quote everything his friends had taught him.


Nitpicks:

First of all, I have to say that I am not the person you should come to for nitpicks -- I usually get so immersed in the story that I don't notice misplaced commas, split infinitives, typos and other subtleties. Also, I'm by no means perfect -- most of the errors I don't see because I make them, too. Anyway, this time (since this is a critique group) I made a conscious effort to catch little things. Here's what I found.

• "Years since I’d seen her; my family; my son." - I'm not sure that the use of semicolon is justified here since you're separating quite simple phrases. I think you wanted a longer pause, but I'd rather use commas nevertheless.

• "If one thing being a CSI taught me, it was to hold on to what I have." - The word order is a bit odd to me. I think that "If being a CSI taught me one thing..." sounds more natural.

• I think that it's "Undersheriff" or "Under-sheriff," not "Under Sheriff."

• "I hoped it would, but I couldn’t tare my eyes away." - It's a typo -- it should be "tear."

• "...which she tried desperately to blink away." - I just thought I'd mention this because some people claim that a split infinitive in fiction is a big no-no. However, since we all know how people use it all the time when they speak, and since the story is told in the first person, I wouldn't "correct" it.

• "'Catherine?' I asked gently as she sobs softened. - It's a typo -- it should be "her sobs".

• "'Rick?' Catherine ask and she looked up." - I think it should be "asked" so that the tense wouldn't shift. Also, I'd omit "she" or replace "and" with "as."

• "Her eyes hardened slightly, 'I can handle it.'" - "Slightly" should be followed by a period, not a comma because "harden" isn't a verb of speech. Anyway, I think this is just a typo as the rest of the dialogue is punctuated correctly (as far as I can see).

• "[O]n it's deserted grounds" should be "on its deserted grounds."

• "[A] view of Lindsey's school became visible" - I find this a bit redundant. I think that either "view" or "visible" would do, e.g. "Lindsey's school came into view." or something similar.

• "That left Greg, managing the nightshift." - I don't think you need the comma.

• "Something I’d never imagined." - I use sentence fragments a lot, but I would use a proper sentence here.

• "Whether or not to keep watching, or walk away." - It may be just me, but I somehow find the sentence a bit odd, somehow incomplete, the way it is. "Whether or not to keep watching; whether or not to walk away." and "Whether to keep watching or to walk away." would be my suggestions.

• "'Can we go?' she asked me, her inner strength had returned." - I think you should either replace the comma with a period or omit "had." The way it is now, you have two independent clauses separated by a comma only.


Miiztaylor, I truly hope you find something useful here.


TQ: Two days ago I found my very first fanfic. I didn't really know it was a fanfic when I wrote it -- I was ten and internetless at the time.

So, what was it about? One of my favorites characters from the show in question (I'll just say it was a teen drama ) died, and I was basically writing an AU/AT in which he would survive.

How was it? Even worse than some of my stories at fanfiction.net. It was naive and full of dialogues which suited twelve-year-olds rather than high school juniors (or were they seniors?). Sentence structure and punctuation weren't so bad, though. Actually, I think they were better than in my latest stories...

Edit: It's Lindsey, not Lindsay. Silly me.

Critique:

I'm going to divide this up for once...

Good points:
This story was good. It was emotional, caring, and everything you could ask for in this type of a death fic. I like how you portrayed the characters- tormented, broken, yet they were together.

Also, I'm a big fan of stories that go into what else might be out there. I liked how you showed what it could be- an empty room, a bench, and a windowed room into the life left behind. It's very interesting, and I really liked it.

Things to improve:
"think off all the ways it wasn’t"- Should be "think of all the ways it wasn't"

"Not with out hurting her."- Should be "Not without hurting her."

"the two I’d come to know and Ray and Riley"- Should be "the two I'd come to know as Ray and Riley"

I'm nitpicking, because that's the only way I could find something wrong with this piece. It was a delight to read.

Great job!


TQ:

I remember it was NASCAR related, but I can't remember if it was the story about the driver I made up and her a****le stalker ex-boyfriend, or if it was the one I had about the girl with the dark background having some random guy's kid. Either way, they were not anywhere near my better pieces... haha.

TQ: Briefly describe the first fanfiction you've ever written.

OK, now we’re dredging up memories! I think the absolutely first fanfic I ever wrote would be... when I was about nine years old - probably before “fanfic” had even been invented, and definitely before posting things on the internet for all and sundry to read was a reality!

My dad’s friend bought me one of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books to cheer me up when I was in hospital, and I became a huge fan of Little House on the Prairie, the books and the TV series (well, I was only nine years old!). However, I thought some of the TV episodes were a bit far-fetched, and decided I could write just as well if not better (I was really very modest in those days!), and I wrote a story about an Indian girl who made friends with Laura.

All I can remember was that she was called Sky, and she had blue eyes – weird for an Indian, but I had (still have!) a thing for blue eyes - and they had all sorts of not-very-girlie adventures together, usually involving getting the better of any male of the species, riding horses bareback all over the place, and generally saving anyone and anything that needed saving! Sky ended up being adopted into the Ingalls family – but then I think that was obligatory if you hung around long enough!

I even remember that I wrote it in a notebook that my favourite Aunt gave me for my birthday; it was one of those little hard-cover books, with a small lock and a little gold key on a chain. I used to hide it in my bedside drawer so that my two big brothers couldn’t get at it; obviously, at nine years old I assumed it was beyond their capabilities to walk into my bedroom and pull open an unlocked drawer, then work out how to use the key that was actually chained to the book!

I have absolutely no idea where that little notebook got to. I suppose it’s one of the many things that mysteriously went missing during one of many house-moves. I do, however, still have every one of my “Little House” books, sitting on a shelf, looking rather dog-eared from many readings, awaiting a girl-child to join the family – I never could get my two sons to read them...! But those books were my first inspiration for many things, not least my first attempts at writing.

And now that I’ve unashamedly bared my soul...!


***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

CRITIQUE:
After Life by Miiztaylor
[CSI: Crime Scene Investigation]

OK, Taylor, lets get it out of the way right away: grammar, punctuation and spelling! Lily and Race have already pointed out a lot of stuff, and I have to agree – there were a lot of mistakes. However, I’ve read your writing before, and I know that you’re a good writer with a pretty decent command of the English language, so I think you were maybe just careless here, or a bit rushed.

I know you probably know this, and do it already, so I hope what I say next doesn’t sound patronising, but it’s something I always do myself (and I still don’t get it right all the time!), so I offer it to you:
It’s always a good idea to re-read the whole piece several times when you think you’re done. Read it a couple of times to see if and how the story flows, and another couple of times looking at the words rather than the story, if that makes sense – I mean really checking every word, phrase, sentence, just to make sure.

Anyway, let’s not dwell on the not-so-good stuff. Moving on.

What else can I say? I thought this was a fabulous story. It flowed really well, from beginning to end, and the whole scenario just worked really well, in my opinion. I liked the details you put in about what had happened to Warrick, and his thoughts about his previous life, and it was interesting to read things from his own point of view.

I love the idea of the room with the window looking out over “Life”, and I like the two lines from Warrick:



It was really effective in bringing out the struggle Warrick felt – not wanting to watch, but unable to resist, and knowing what it was like, suggesting the same to Catherine. And what made it really work was how you then picked that up at the end with Catherine:


Finally, the title of “After Life” was clever, I don’t know why – just something about dead people still watching the living, really, I suppose, but I can’t explain it without getting all philosophical, and that just makes my head spin!

Great story, Taylor. Thanks.

Jude