Ditto!

Leni

Now I seem to be having trouble receiving PM's. Can you guys email the links to me? Thanks.


Let me just make sure I have this right. The writers this time around were Leni, Giorgia, Race, Peril, and LLK? That's all, right?

TQ: What about the challenge made you choose the fandom you did?


The Assigments:
(You have until Saturday to critique your assigned piece.)



Racefh853629: One of These Mornings

Giorgia: Shades of Black

ThePeril: My Rose

Lostladyknight: Friends and Lovers

Marymagdalen: Look After You

Thanks guys!

Critique: "One of These Mornings" by Giorgia

The first (and only) negative thing I have to say is that each segment was supposed to be 1,000 words apiece, not 100. Other than that...

This piece is absolutely fantastic.

I love the quick pace of it. I'm always a fan of one-line stories, because I feel like it makes the piece feel quicker than it really is. I think this works nicely, especially with what you were portraying.

I feel like I really know these characters through your stories, even though I haven't watched that much of the show. You write them so well and so vividly that they're very real.

This is a very romantic piece, and yet, it also feels like there's a slight bit of tension. Almost as if Danny is in love and Martin isn't so sure. I love that about this. I'm a sucker for stories like this.

It's very beautifully done. And, like I said, the only problem I saw was that it missed the 1,000 words per segment. Great job!


TQ:

I actually have no idea how I landed on it. I was getting down to the deadline and all of a sudden, this piece came to me, and it was CSI:NY. And I thought the Flack/Angell dynamic just fit.

TQ: What about the challenge made you choose the fandom you did?

Honestly, nothing, really. Hehe. Considering I have a grand total of two fandoms (that I write for), it wasn't too difficult.

But I had already written a few hundred words for the story I used. I had wanted to do a story in smaller but related segments for a while, and then this challenge came along and gave me enough boost to finish it.

Critique:

Shades of Black
by ThePeril

First of all, love the title. Shades of black. Weirdly profound.

Second of all, as I PM-ed you, I love Fallout, despite having played it very little, and I've never written or read a fic for a game before. So this is a new experience for me. Comfort zone begone!

One (slightly unrelated question) though: did the girl at the bar in the first town (Megaton, I believe) before you really get to the Wasteland in the game hit on you? And was your character male or female? Because I was a girl, and she hit on me. My brother was a boy, and she just snobbed him. Which amused me to no end, because I got the girl and my brother didn't. Hehe. Even if she was a bit slutty.

Anyway. Not relevant, just curiosity.



Love this. It's so descriptive in so few words, and, I have to say, you writing has improved since the last story of yours we saw - not meaning in any way that your last one was bad; this one was just clearer. Though it is a different style, so iffy comparison, but hey.

But I really do like this line. The emphasis on the last word is relly effective.

I know squat about guns, and hate them with a fair passion, but I think you made me fall in love with this gun. Don't know what your personal views are on guns, but whatever they are, you've managed to describe the weapon so... I'm refraining from saying "voluptuously".



And, really, I feel sorry for them all. The whole situation. And even if I had no idea what Fallout was, and had never played it and hadn't read the info you sent me, I would probably still be sad. The way he talks about things that just happen. Kids die. People die. People kill.

It's so... bleak, really.

Fantastic.

The only things I have to point out are just that you switched tenses a little when you shuldn't have, and:



Should be capitalised. As in: "Super Mutauts".

Apostrophe thing:





The two in bold should have apostrophes at the start, not at the end of the word. But I'm nit-picking again. There are a few other times you've done it, too. But it isn't like it actually takes anything from the story; just pointing it out.

Continuity thing:

You've started capitalising "Three Dog" only after the first few times you mention him. So some of them only have a capital "T" and not a capital "D".

One mistake to point out:



Should be "marksman", singular.

One read-y thing:



It would probably flow better if you put a space before the bracket, no capital letter, and no full stop. As in:

Even wearing a suit of armor that he got from the Enclave (and you only got that armor one way)...

But. Nit-picking aside, I really like this piece. You've included the Challenge elements pretty well, though the animal (or lach thereof) should probably have been a little clearer. Says the girl who bent the '1000 word' rule.

The last line was awesome, though.

One final thing: the rating really doesn't need to be "M". "T" would do fine, and more people would read it because it would be included automatically on the titles page without anyone having to change their rating search (oh, yes, there are tactics involved in fanfiction, hehe).

Mostly, "M" is used for smut. Or really, really graphically violent stories in which people swear a lot. Basically, if it could be M-rated in a cinema, it's probably a "T".

Loved it, though, and I'm making my brother read this (he just confessed to having considered writing a fanfiction for a video game), and I'm trying to further corrupt him.

So for that, I thank you.

-Giorgia

P.S. for Race:

Thanks for the critique! Glad you liked the story. Sorry about the word-count thing. Can I claim that it was an abstract interpretation of the criteria? I think that 1000 was having an identity crisis and ended up as ten lots of 100, instead.

Or I could be really crafty and claim a chapter as a "segment" and have 1000 words.

...or I could just take responsibility for my actions like a grown-up. *Takes off mother's heels*

I do imagine, though, that any relationship based on sex that really shouldn't be based on sex (as in, they're in love with each other but won't admit it and work together all the time and keep nearly dieing together) has at least a little bit of tension.

But thank you, and I'll get off the forum now and leave space for someone else...

Just a little personal request that you might want to ignore, but could everyone start they're critique by stating the title and author of the piece they're critiquing, please - it helps a simply soul like moi!

Thanks!
Leni

My Rose,
by LLK.

I refuse to let this sit by the way side and end up forgetting that I have to do this.

So, lets just find out who I've got and get star--

Aaaaaand...I've got LLK...

Crap.

Seriously, if I find no mistakes, I'm going to start fabricating my own. *Huff* Okay, lets do this. You know the drill, thoughts and critiques are seperated and marked by bold. Your writing is in italics.[hr]
Okay. Hold the phone, LLK. A second time travel piece? This is shenanigans and you like confusing me because you really hate me. Okay, back to the critique. Seriously.[hr]
The beach is far away now, though the chilling cold seems to have followed. The feeling is bitter. Raw. It's consuming from the pit of my stomach and swells throughout my chest and into my head. The fog spreads through my mind and I feel my heart slowly sputter out, moving from pounding to faint. I move through the TARDIS numbly. Distantly, I hear a faint humming sound, one I can't place. One I don't even want to determine.

Thoughts: How it is that you manage to intrigue with plots I know I'll get confused by is far beyond me, but good job. This is a very good jumping point. Regardless of whether or not I actually know this character (I don't), I still hope that he isn't dying or something. I had to look up TARDIS. Which is a phone booth space ship. Oh, but I do hate you back, LLK.
Critique: Okay. I'm definitely nit-picking here. "...moving from pounding to faint. I move through the TARDIS numbly." The word move gets repetitive here, I think.

A moment passes... or is it a century? I'm not sure. Finally, I locate the source of the humming - a voice. Donna is standing before me saying something. I hear a few phrases pass from her lips, completely unaware as to what the words are before I eventually .

Thoughts: Niiiice. Surprise is always good, and I certainly didn't expect the humming to be a person. For some reason, I'm particularly fond of this paragraph. I'm not really sure of what makes this one work so well? But it really, really does. Good job here.
Critiques: I only have nit picks here. It seems like at the very end of the paragraph, "...regain control...", would have merited from some sort of further exposition. But then, I also understand the time constraints here. Take it with a grain of salt.

"Are you even listening to me?" she asks, obviously annoyed. "That's not like you."

Thoughts: Criteria number one, met! *Thumbs up* Alrighty, lets move on.
Critiques: Nothing here, lets roll.

(Let me point out that at this point, like an idiot, I stopped to look up a word on the internet in this window, and lost everything. I was ALMOST DONE. GAH! Okay...pause. Rebooting. Breathing. Walking away before I attack poor Mac...)

She crosses her arms and stares me down--her eyes meet squarely with mine. I flash her a grin and move to the controls. I guide the TARDIS silently, moving us away from Rose and towards... well, an entire future without her. Eternity. How long is the future? Another nine hundred years? More? But a part of me will remain, always. In more ways than one.

Thoughts: Okay. I was initially ignorant to the basic scenario... but LLK sent me a link to the scene. So now I kinda know. And I kinda wish I hadn't. More on that later though. I'll leave this paragraph with the very simple notice that it is rare that I ever feel sympathy for a fictional character. I feel bad for the doctor because for once(He is rather snide, right?) he really just doesn't know any more. Also? I had to look up Tardis. Which is a telephone booth space ship. Oh, but I hate you back, LLK.
Critiques: At first glance I want to say that the first few sentences are choppy. However, given the doctor's state of mind and character(However little of it I know), I actually think that it suits him. He's not altogether, but he's not completely insane either.

He is the other me. He is half human, half Time Lord, and all hers. He has the entirety of my experiences and something more--the ability to grow old with her. To be with her in every way. With, I've never appreciated such a simple term so deeply.

Thoughts: Even seeing the scene, I probably don't completely understand the situation. For instance, is this simply something for him to look forward too? An alternate reality? Anyway, once again, I can only say that this paragraph makes me feel for the poor guy. Unrequited love is one thing, losing your love to another version of yourself? Knowing you had a chance but you really don't? Yeah, I'd be miserable too.
Critiques: I want to say that the last sentence struck me as odd. And it did, at first. However, assuming your reader's aren't as daft as I am, they'll pick up on what he's saying. Otherwise, good job.

I feel consumed with an animal-like jealousy. How is it fair? I feel the desire to throw myself onto the floor in a tantrum. To complain like an infant. She has me, as I promised. But, I don't have her. And yet I do. For her it will always be the same as it was. There won't be any difference between our past and their future. She has me and I have her. We're together in our own realm of existence. We're together, so why do I feel that we're so far?

Thoughts: And if I were the doctor, I probably would have thrown myself on the floor in a tantrum. I like this paragraph, because I like seeing characters being emotive without throwing themselves across a table to get their point across, and this does so wonderfully. This is sad, but beautiful.
Critiques: Once again, the first six sentences are rather choppy, but this could easily be because of his state of mind.

He and I are the same. We are one--but he is human and I am not. He can give her what I never could. He already has. He has given her love. He has given her himself. But most important of all he has given her a future. An eternity of existence as man ans woman. As humanity. He has given her all the affection I have felt for her and all of it that I will feel. She will never have to long for me again, never have to wonder for my safety, never have to yearn for a touch I can not give her. I am there with her, and that is where I will remain.

Thoughts: This seems a bit upbeat, but usually, when someone is upbeat in a particularly sad situation, it means they've either accepted it or they're resigned to it. It seems like our good doctor is somewhere in between. Once again, this section is written very well, and does well showing the gamut of emotions a person goes through when dealing with something like this. Take away the whole time thing, and you have a man who lost a lady he loves. Nothing more.
Critiques: "An eternity of existence as man ans woman." Ans should be "and". "...never have to yearn for a touch I can not give her." I think word "her" at the end is unnecessary.

We are the same, one being. But that's where the trouble lies. We are one being in two bodies. And she is one being in one body. She cannot physically be both mine and mine also. As is my own existence, forever a paradox among men. If I am even that--a man?

Thoughts: I'm not even going to begin to explore this one on a deeper level other then the writing itself. All in all, I would honestly call this the ideal paragraph for this story. Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I can't see the anguish behind it. This paragraph perfectly describes his dilemma in a nutshell, and in that, makes this feel like the climax of the story.
Critiques: Both in grammar and writing, good job.

Why is it that I've finally found the ability to love, to give my entire heart to a human, and I cannot be with her? Because I'm not human. And no matter how human I become over time, no matter how powerfully they rub off on me, or how strongly I start to emulate them, I will never be human. No, I am and will always be a Time Lord. It is both my assent and my plight.

Thoughts: Ahhh, so it was resignation. That's really sad, then. A being with all this power, and yet is ultimately powerless in this specific situation. Out of curiosity, LLK, why was his alternate self human if he only travels in time? Anyway, this paragraph is spot on.
Critiques: Okay. I've got nothing here. A wonderful ongoing trend, it would seem.

“It's not ever going to be the same for her, either,” Donna says, as though she'd been in my head all along. I rub a hand over my forehead and through my hair, foolishly checking if I can still feel her in there. “And he and you aren't the same, not wholly.”

Thoughts: And now we are thrust back into reality, with a spot of humor to keep us from sobbing endlessly. Nice touch, that, with the forehead joke. Your pacing in this story is very well done.
Critiques: Nothing but a single nit pick, but I recognize that as personal opinion. As such, your no criticism counter goes +1.


“No,” I agree. “We're not. He's everything that I am without my faults. He won't live forever. He will grow old. And he can love, openly.”

Thoughts: Once again, I'm not going to pretend to have a deeper understanding of this scenario. Is he saying that the other "him" is the perfect version of him? Or is he citing immortality, and emotional capability as strengths?
Critiques: "He will grow old. And he can love, openly.” The last sentence seems tacked on, consider incorporating into the previous sentence?

"Yes, and so can every other human male in existence," she promises me. "You, you, are the one she was drawn to. The one I'm drawn to--"

Thoughts: *Gives the other girl the thumbs up* That's right! He's single now! Take advantage of his weakened state!
Critiques: Got nothing. Moving on.

I twitch my eyebrows at her, a bit spooked at her confession.

"Not like THAT," she says, raising a hand to her chest in disgust. "But I am, and of all of the 'men' in the world--in all the worlds of existence, you're the one. You're the only one."

Thoughts: Fool! He could have been yours! Okay, now...she said world's of existence, does this mean they can do more then just time travel?
Critiques: Nothing +1

“I'm not unique,” I inform her. “And you've gone soft.”

“Have not!” she argues, squaring her hands on her hips and sizing me up with one look. “Fine, don't believe me. She'll be back.”

Thoughts: Ahh, now this makes for a nice, happy, resolution. She'll be back, huh? Although, I gotta wonder, why not just go and get another Rose from another time?
Critiques: “I'm not unique,” I inform her. “And you've gone soft.” Now I KNOW I'm nitpicking here, but do you really need to add the words "I inform her" in the middle? Word count aside, do these words add anything?

I'm not convinced, but in another way I am. Donna is right, I know. My path will again cross with Rose's. I just can't help but wonder what it will mean when it does. Will she be euphoric? And who will cause such pure happiness? Him or me? Or, is it we? Or I? He and I are two halves of one whole, are we not? Perhaps he is real and I am now nothing but a figment? Or am I an original and he a copy?

Thoughts: This reminded me of a line from the movie, Fight Club. "Is Tylor my bad dream or I am Tylor's?" That's never a bad thing in my book. I love the finishing touch of doubt. I think that this section is necessary to continue portraying the doctor as a human, and not as a television character. No one would get over something so easily, and you did well handling that.
Critiques: Very, very well done.


I smile.

Donna catches me, "Gone soft have I?"

"You have."

"Looks like you've gone soft yourself," she says with a smile to match my own. "Doctor."

Thoughts: Nooo, this is the part where they kiss at the end and she heals all of his hurts! Kidding. Kidding. It's good to see he's not moping too much though. Not externally anyway.
Critiques: Nothing to see here.

I make my way through the TARDIS as it speeds further and further away from the beach, no longer feeling that I'm moving away from her. It is an inevitability that I will see her again. Our paths always find a way to cross with one another's. No, I am not moving away...

I am moving towards her. My Rose.

Thoughts: Ohhhhh...that's why he's not moping! Well played, LLK, well played.
Critiques: Nadda.
[align=center][hr]
CHALLENGE TALLY[/align]

1.Must include the phrase: “That's not like you.” Yep.
2. Must be any one of the following: Angst, Romance, Humor, Songfic, or Horror. Angst.
3. Must involve the presence (or lack of presence) of an animal. This one confused me...does this mean you could or could not have an animal? Or do you have to at least mention that said animal is missing?
4. Must be a minimum rating of K and a max rating of M. K+
5. Each Segment must be exactly 1,000 words. According to Pages(Mac Word), this has 991. [hr]
[align=center]TQ:[/align]
I have a very intense love for post-apocalyptic worlds, especially Fallout's. Going further then that, I chose Fallout because it has a very open ended and robust character building option. Everything that I stated in the fiction I wrote happened in-game, inculding Charon's personality. (In game, if you're evil and you release him from serving you, he immediately turns on you.) And really, it's been a long time since I wrote anything involving someone that wasn't a goody two shoes hero, even longer since I wrote in first person.[hr]
[align=center]--Georgia--[/align]
First, thanks so much for that review! It's always fun to read other people's take on my writing, especially someone who knows a little about Fallout. Now, to answer some of your questions:

One (slightly unrelated question) though: did the girl at the bar in the first town (Megaton, I believe) before you really get to the Wasteland in the game hit on you? And was your character male or female?

Honestly? I don't know. Remember, my character was a complete psychopath, so the first thing I did was shoot the sheriff and take his hat.

The title "Shades of Black".

It's the title of a song made by The Raconteurs. I thought it appropriate for a character that only seems more and more evil the more he opens his mouth.

On a side note, you said that this story is better written, are you saying that all my stories should involve psychopathic murderers? Because I'll do it!
[hr]

Okay, I think I'm done. Peace!

Just a warning before I start – I’m writing this late at night, after a long day at work, in front of a warm fire, hot chocolate to hand (yeah, that’s June in England for you!), so at some point I’ll either drop off to sleep or get even more incoherent than usual! Anyway, here goes...

TQ: What about the challenge made you choose the fandom you did?

There was nothing specific about the challenge itself that made me choose my fandom – I’m just very predictable! I’m a bit of a CSI: Miami junkie (well, a LOT of... ); I love the characters, and I’ve been told I write them pretty well, so writing Miami is really what I think I do best.

However, with the fandom chosen, there were two elements of the challenge that jumped out and grabbed me by the throat shouting, “write me, write me”!

First of all, including the phrase “That’s not like you” immediately made me think “What’s not like who?” (sorry – I do that!), and I started relating that question to each of the Miami characters and trying to answer the question and fit it into some sort of context. The context evolved into portraying the way the characters’ paths cross in the course of a few hours, with everybody just going about their daily business (what is like them), and showing their thoughts about themselves in relation to one another. I hope I achieved that!

The second element of the challenge that grabbed me was “Each segment must be exactly 1,000 words”. I love playing with words, and this was just one more little game I could play! Usually we’re given quite a wide remit in this area, so having to be spot on like this was a fun challenge. I actually found that if I got to within 20 words either way of the 1,000, it was relatively easy to add or delete and get it right on target.

So... yeah, that’s it really. That’s my answer. Most of it probably irrelevant, but like I said... it's late!


Critique: Look After You, by Racefh

The final episode of NY Season 5 airs on British TV this weekend, so I haven’t seen it yet. I know that Angell gets killed, but apart from that, I have no idea what else happens in the episode, so I’m not sure if this is a straight-forward post-ep fic, or how much of what you put in here (Flack and his “haze of booze and TV”, the serial rapist-murderer, the rest of the team being injured) is actually canon.

But that really doesn’t matter. It was a great story that flowed well and made sense. I think that you really got under the skin of the two main characters, with each half of the fic taking one person’s POV. The way you portrayed their thoughts was excellent, as though they were each thinking “the same only different” – the same events, the results of those events, but each one calling to mind what was most important and significant for them about what had happened.

Some of the phrases and words you put in Angell’s thoughts were interesting and clever, I thought, like saying:

seeing him hurting killed her
and
The sitting back, though, was killing her.

when she’s dead already. She comes across as still very, very real, very present, and very sensitive to what Flack’s going through. You put across really well that idea that a dead person can’t hurt, but you just know that if only she could, she would – does that make sense? Does to me – but then... late, warm fire, hot choc...

Despite the subject matter, the first half – Angell’s POV – seemed almost “bright”, and you could almost get the feeling that maybe Flack was going to wake up, see Angell, and everything would be sweetness and light again, then the second half – Flack’s POV – was just dull (in a good way!), with Flack just plodding on, getting through each day, with a real sense of “got to keep living even though I feel dead” that I guess he was feeling.

What I was really impressed with was the fact that you never once said anything about a “guardian Angell” – so thanks so much for not being obvious!

So all in all, a great fic, and I really loved it – just got to wait for Saturday night to find out what really happened to them all!

There were just a few grammar / spelling bits that I picked out, but nothing major, and may be just me being too picky!

Your tenses seem to go a bit squiffy in places:

He had done the same thing for the past few nights –
come home, eat, and fall asleep watching sitcoms.

Not sure exactly why, because the last clause is correct in it all being the same tense, but to me it just doesn’t seem to flow properly – maybe because of the “had done” at the beginning. Maybe it should be:

...come home, eaten, and fallen asleep watching sitcoms.

And:

For the past few days, he was asleep before she arrived...

Maybe:

...he had been asleep...?

(yeah, yeah, I know - that would mess up your word count!)

Like any good Star Trek: Original Series opening sequence, you managed to split a few infinitives!

...begging her to stay with him, to not leave him.

and

“I was surprised to not see you at the scene...”

The first one I can understand, because this maybe conveys the meaning more effectively, but the second one – just seems a bit clumsy, and I think someone would probably say instead:

“I was surprised not to see you at the scene...”

Couple of spelling errors:

They had started out at partners over at the precinct...

Obviously,

“...as partners...”

and

The episode triggered Lindsay to reevaluate her position as a CSI...

I think re-evaluate is hyphenated.

And just a couple of other things that struck me:

...made transitioning from co-workers to best friends...

Ah, the old verbification of the humble noun! (OK, OK, I know – “verbification” isn’t a real word! Who’s doing this critique? Grrr!)

I know it’s maybe not a big deal, everyone does it (especially Americans, I’ve noticed – and that’s merely an observation, not an criticism!), but... does that make it right? (Ever heard Stephen Fry on the evolution and use of language – fascinating! But I digress...).

Personally, I’d write:

...made the transition from co-workers to best friends...

(Sorry – spoils the word count again!)

She was his accidental lover that had become his rock.

Hmm, I always have trouble with this one – should it be that, which or who?

...letting the hot water infuse into his depressed muscles...

I always thought that the act of “infusing” already had an element of “into” in it, so – can something “infuse into”? I dunno – but if you took the “into” out, you could change “transitioning” as above and they cancel each other out in the word count. Yay!

And finally – the challenge elements: yup, you got ‘em all in there! Good-oh!

Well written, great fic, met the challenge well. But then I would expect nothing less from you, my dear!

And well done me - not too incoherent, and I managed not to fall asl... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!

Leni

Drat Leni! You've gone and made me look bad. Anyway, I'm really sorry about my critique being the last one in. I am in the process of writing it, promise. It's just that I've also done some heavy duty cleaning in my house today and have worked every other day this week. I've got about half the house finished so I should be able to finish it tomorrrow and then finish your critique. I've been working on it during breaks from cleaning.

Yes, my house was quite messy. Well, sorta. My bedroom was awful. I've been using the closet as a sort of study of late and have decided to refurbish it back into a closet. The problem there is that I've had to re-organize just about everything else in my house to make room for the change. And that means that everything, down to the items in misc. drawers, has to be removed, resorted and cleaned.

BUT, I'm about half done! Not that you need to know what I've been doing with my time when I could've been critiquing.

------------

Edit:

TQ:

Honestly there wasn't anything specific about the challenge that made me pick the fandom that I did. I guess it was mostly that I had already chosen angst as my genre and I wanted to write a piece that was properly angsty. So, I started thinking of ideas. The Catherine/Warrick piece that I had in mind would have ended up being like a bajillion thousand words. Just a bit more than I was wanting to undertake in a single week. So, I decided to move on to another fandom. Eventually after writing down ideas for a bunch of fandoms I settled on the one I did, knowing I could write a pretty decent piece. Exactly 1,000 words later (no matter what ThePeril says, he lies!) it happened. (Kidding Peril, but it was 1,000. I posted proof.)

Friends and Lovers
by: Leni!

Critique:
I loved all of the repetition! Even though it jumped right out at me from the very start of the second section, it wasn't exactly in your face. It was just a very neat way of doing things. It gave each section a familiarity to it, in a way but at the same time each was wholly the character the section was depicting. Sort of like the whole team thing you started out with. The idea that all five players were one team and that's represented by the way each part was similar in many ways and gave to the overall picture. But then each section was significantly different from the others, too. Very much like the individuals of that team. It was a really great balance.

When was this story set? Is it current? I recognized something from this past season, I think. (Maybe last?) But I'm not really sure. Calleigh and Eric are in a confirmed relationship on the show now though. So, I'm just a little confused by some of this. No worries either way, didn't detract from the story at all. And I don't even watch the show regularly, so maybe I've missed something. I just presume it's set either early season seven or during season six? Just curious, no matter either way.


Another thing I thought was really cool was just a small detail, really. In H's section he asks himself, or more wonders, why it is that Calleigh had decided to stay with them rather than walking away. Calleigh, musing about the same thing, answers this question in her own part of the piece. It's almost as though their team is of a single mind. Furthermore, in each section your character seems to prepare us for something to happen in the following section. Not only does he/she let us know which character we'll be reading in the next section but it also lets us know what they'll be thinking about, in a way. It gives a very nice flow to the story.


A couple of lines I really loved:






To start with the first bit that I really liked. There's something about the way H (and you, I suppose) describe the whole team. The fact that he was so possessive. The way he points out the good and the bad as though it's all good things. The intimacy they seem to have with one another. It's just all very suggestive of so much more than partnership—it's friendship. Not only do you have a massive and powerful five-way friendship depicted here but it, like so much else, prepares us for the whole story. It's like a baby summary of the way they're all going to think so complexly about one-another (and themselves) later on in your piece. You may have done this intentionally and you may not have but your entire story flow and connects very strongly with itself. There are no two parts that seem unrelated, at all.

And as for the other line do you really need me to say why it left such an impression on me? It's so very real. I have no idea if he actually did this on the show or not but I do know that if he had I would have cried. That's quite a lot coming from someone who doesn't care for the characters in this fandom much at all. (Mostly because I don't know them, granted.)


The only tiny little thing I can say is that you seem to have lost a little in the transition from Eric to Natalia. There was something about the way that H, Calleigh, and Eric all connected. I guess maybe because H nor Calleigh really put much thought into Natalia? And then Eric doesn't really either for quite a bit of his piece and then in the words of Danny Messer BOOM there she is. You made it work and it helped add to the flow of Ryan's piece a bit. Natalia just didn't feel quite as connected to the rest of the piece as possible.

Overall, the piece was outstanding. Wonderful job! '

I didn't check your word count because I know I had quite a bit of trouble with this myself. I'm just going to have to trust you.

You're not at all late with this - but if you wish to assuage any feelings of guilt, you can come and do some cleaning around my place too! I HATE cleaning. With a passion. The way I see it is: there are three of us in the house, so anyone who doesn't like it can either live with it or do it themselves!

Anyway, thanks for the critique. Glad you liked it, and it "worked" pretty much as I intended.



Problem is, Season 7 doesn't start airing here until next week (eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek - I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!) so I haven't much of a clue what actually happens after Season 6 - although I've picked up that Eric and Calleigh "get it on" at some point. So really it's set somewhere between Season 6 and my overactive imagination! And I threw in references to episodes past which, I hope, made some sense in themselves even if the reader wasn't familiar with them.




Yes, it does, in Man Down; Eric asks Calleigh the question, but Horatio is left to answer it. And yeah, I could have cried too...!

As for Natalia - I've not really got into her character yet, so that may be why it didn't quite flow at that point. Not sure about Ryan yet either...



Thanks - means a lot to me coming from someone who doesn't really like the fandom!



Of course you can trust me... (waves hand in Jedi Mind Trick styleeeee!)

Thanks again, LLK.
Leni