My old fandom! 8D Oh man, that fandom and I had crazy times... lol.

Critique



The ellipses are a little much here. The story would benefit from commas in place of them.



I love how you broke it all up. It added to the story.

However, the last part of the first sentence was confusing. his chain-sword obeying the speed and strength of his flourish as it tore through the wind sounds awkward. You may want to consider tweaking it a little bit.


Directly flush to the other side? That doesn't sound right. You may want to change the wording there.


Instead of the '...', a comma would be better. Also, switch than in place of then.

The 'but only before' part sounds weird. You should instead use 'Minato released a low whistle before coughing up'.


Love that line. It's just perfect. :]


YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LAUGHED AFTER READING THAT. It's... perfect.

You don't need the exclamation point in that, though it does add a bit more to Kiba's character.


Perfect. The last sentence is amazing, haha.

You got the characterization of everybody right, which is something I haven't seen in Naruto fanfiction in a while. It's hilarious, and I haven't really found anything else wrong with it. :]



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TQ: Tell me about the most unique story you've ever read? Written? What made it so unique?

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There was this X-Files/Torchwood fanfiction that I read (I adore it - Good People) and it was... really unique. Not a bad unique, though. No, it was an OH MY GOD THIS IS GREAT kind of unique.

The reason why it was so unique was I loved every stinking sentence. This is probably the only fic I've read that has me reading it over and over again because it's just so great. Every sentence is just great, and I can't honestly name another fic that has been imprinted into my mind like this one. I'm sure that's a lame reason, but whatever. It's unique because even though it's AU, it's so in character that it may as well have happened in canon.

Hehe, I happy today. (Because I'm sure you all care oodles). But I got two and A's and two A+'s on an English assignment, my friend just bought a new car (which is a feat when you're 16), and my Bio teacher hates Wednesdays afternoon lessons so much that she gave us Tim Tams and Milo.

Hence the happy.

Wait, you lot don't know Tim Tams, do you? Or Milo? Chocolate, chocolate and a little bit more chocolate.

Anyway. Giorgia and her tangents.

TQ: Tell me about the most unique story you've ever read? Written? What made it so unique?

Oh, geez. Um. You don't make this easy for us, do you, LLK? Hehe. Do AU stories count? Because I read this magnificent one that just stuck in my brain for weeks. I couldn't get images out of my head. It's called the Fires of Rome, by an author called Neko, on a WATFF website that I absolutely adore.

But all Neko's stuff is amazing.

The thing, I suppose, that makes it unique is that it is an AU fic, but not like any I'd ever read. It is literally an alternate universe. Or an alternate U.S., I suppose. Totalitarianism, overthrown government, angst, well thought-out plot, brilliantly-executed, beautiful writing. All with a love story weaved in.

It's a lot better than I make it out, I promise. Hehe. But as far as canon, or non-AU, stories go, I don't think I could pick just one.

As far as my own stories, I'm not really sure. I mean, because of Challenges here and whatevers in my own life, I've got a few stories that are more or less unique - at least compared to my others. I'd have to put up my Without a Trace piece Dance (at least, one of the chapters), because it isn't like anything else I've written; and my Bones story Absentis Liberi, because it's my only fic that was more case-file than ship.

Critique:

Well, I'll start another week with saying that I've never actually watched this show. I watch anime, but the only thing that's ever on, here, is Ghost in the Shell, and even that's on at weird times. 11:30 Tuesday nights, or some such.

That said, I'm all for DVD boxsets, and my friends have a bunch. Hehe.

Not that any of this is really relevant, but hey.

To important matters, I really like the opening. It can sometimes be awkward to open a story, or a section with speech, but it really woked here, because I could picture the scene that much better when you described it a little later.

My second thought was when I saw the word kunai and went, "Hey, I know what that means!" Which is sad, but true. Sad that I was excited, not that I knew. *Pulls foot out of mouth*



The "he", here, doesn't have to be capitalised, though. As in:

“Oh ho! I’ve got you now, Namikaze Minato!” he roared, hands out to his sides.



Missed out an "into", or something similar, but typos hardly count.

Minato grinned, and plunged the first kunai into the branch just above him.



Haha, oh, my God. I'm so glad you explained that one. I would have been Googling forever. Hehe.

I don't know, but I'm being horrible and disagreeing with PLR, up there, about this sentence:



I'm quite partial to it, actually. I like it. It's very visual, and I can honestly hear the whoosh of it tearing through the wind; slight chink of chain. Great line.

...and this is why we get many opinions. Hehe.

I do agree with her about the ellipses, though. Not all of the are necessary. Some of them would work better as commas, and some, even, simply as full stops. Semi-colons are always good, too, but I'm always chastised for overuse of semi-colons by this lot, so maybe I'm a little biased...



I like this one, though. Well-placed.



This supposed to be a capital letter?

Through the Ame-nin’s-

I may be wrong, though, because I'm not sure of the scemantics of Naruto nouns (hehe, nouns of Naruto), but you've used a capital elsewhere, so.



Two things:

The classroom, previously muted by his imagination, was suddenly live with the activity of eight- and nine-year-olds muttering amongst themselves as Iruka stopped in the middle of his rousing lesson on Konoha Tree Splitters to get the dead last's attention.

I think that numbers written out just look a lot nicer than the numerals, especially in the FF.net font. I think, too, that unless you're at least in double-digits you're not actually supposed to use numerals in any kind of non-numeric writing. As in, something that isn't science, math, or the actual label of something.



Another typo (sorry, I'm nitpicking, I know).

Iruka wasn’t smiling, but he wasn't yelling, either.



Hehe, now there is a sentence you don't hear every day. Hehe.



*Snort* Hehe.



This confused me. It's just that you haven't mentioned Ibiki before this, so I was confused as to when and how he got there.



Hehe, I like this. But grammatically:

Of course, it was doing all of its squealing with its axe planted firmly at Naruto’s neck.

No apostrophes for possessive "its".



"Than", not "then".



Same again.



Should be a comma after "see", not a full stop.



Hehe. "Extra peripheral vision"! I was cracking up when I read that. So good. And does this Gaia have anything to do with Greek mythology?

The "than" and the comma thing, you've done a few more times, too.



Don't need both "uncovered"s. But that's closer to a typo than an actualy error, and my God, I'm nit-picky today.

I'm so sorry you had to put up with my critique today, of all days. I'm not usually this bad.

...

Anywho. Now I've finicky-ed you to death: I really did like this story. It was very enjoyable. Naruto was rather funny, but his superiors made me laugh. The fact that Ibiki and Iruka had to relate the story about the little axe-throwing man in Naruto's room was very funny.

I can just imagine trying to explain that. Even to a ninja.

Naruto's cheekiness was funny, too. He was just so apathetic about it, like having the little man in his room was more of an annoyance than anything. Inconveniencing, not weird. And that his teachers like him. I like that. Teachers always seem to love the cheeky ones; as long as they (the student) are nice about it.

Your experience as a teacher also comes out in this, I think. Iruka's reporting, specifically. Hehe. Our teachers just had to do reports, and one of my teachers was so stressed and tired that I didn't have to take a test because she couldn't be bothered.

Iruka's attitude toward them is very much that of a teacher. Doesn't particularly want to, but knows he has to. Kind of like homework, really, but for 100 kids instead of five classes.

TQ: Tell me about the most unique stoy you've ever read? Written? What made it so unique?

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to respond to this in my own critique thread, but I suppose that at best, you all can ignore it if I'm not.

For the most unique story that I've read, I guess I'd have to go with this pokemon fiction I found about a year ago. I can't remember it's name, but I remember it being really beautiful in its simplicity. It was highly generic in its premise: An OC trainer that his pokemon, left home, and went on a journey. Said trainer meets conflict in team Rocket.

However, what made it so unusual was that the main character was very much an eleven year old child leaving home to see the world for the first time, things had to be explained to him, and he didn't have some awesome link between himself and his pokemon right off. Everything he went for, he worked for, and it was interesting to watch the entire time.

What made it special, though, was the constant underlying aura of menace that existed in this characters world. He would get help from teenagers, only for them to leave abruptly with the words,"Don't trust kids my age." His pokemon, Persian, was prone to very unpredictable dangerous behavior, and something was very wrong with the Pokemon centers.

It was all very subtle, but a very nice change of pace from "The plucky hero gets his pokemon and gets a team!"

Now, as for the most unique story I've written? As far as fanfiction goes, I'm going to say either Crashing Konoha.

I mean, what makes it typical is that Naruto has violent midgets. But what makes it unique is that it's awesome like gangbusters, yo.

*Ahem* Moving on.
[hr]

First off, thanks a ton for critiquing the story, but more then anything, it makes me really happy that you guys seemed to have enjoyed it. I was really hoping that its...um...specialness wouldn't be especially off putting.



Yeah, I re-wrote this line several times, and I'm still not really sure of it. My major issue with it is that if I were going to get rid of it, I would need to figure out a way to say "The swordsman stabbed the sword at Minato," while sounding cool.

Then again, if there is a dispersal of opinion across the board, I might just leave it be and claim artistic invincibility.



Yeah, that was a serious typo on my part, and I'm glad you caught it. Before that line, there was supposed to be a line break that indicated a transition or a brief lapse in time. I think it makes more sense now that I've fixed it.



You kidding me? I need these types of critiques, and I appreciate the time and effort you and Peaceloverainbow put into finding mistakes I left in there. Seeing the corrections made, especially the mentions of using so many ellipses can help me grow as an author.

So thanks for the critiques so far, you all did an awesome job.

ThePeril we welcome responses. It makes things more fun.

Just ensure you're being respectful if you do. Which, I'm sure you won't have a problem with.

I apologize for this being a horrible critique.

I couldn't get past the first chapter. This has nothing to do with your writing so much as me knowing absolutely nothing about Naruto. But I wanted to be fair to you, ThePeril, and at least give it a shot.

Having said that...

The writing was good. I was able to piece together the action and what was going on. Knowing what these characters are about would make it easier, but that is no reflection on you as the writer. You've done a good job painting the scenes and making a readable story.

As I got further down the page, I was better able to understand what was going on, but I'm sorry I can't speak to characterization. I think you've got a good story here, though. As I said before, the fact that I found myself unable to finish had nothing to do with your writing as much as me being lost. But that has nothing to do with you.

You have a great writing style. I like it a lot.


TQ:

Most unique story read: an NCIS story in which Tony's forced to swallow a pill that transforms him into a toddler physically with some of his normal mentality.

Most unique story written: I have 3 that I label as unique...
1. The Ghost of You: because it's supernatural (with Speed's ghost still existing), and it's also a crossover... And it was born of sleepless nights and randomness. Just all around crazy goodness.
2. Bound by the Past: because it's an entirely reflective piece (H-centered) that takes place during one night, but is more than one chapter. I don't know, I'm proud of it...
3. Here Comes Goodbye (working title): because it's a post-humous story and I like where I'm going with it.