Thanks for the kind words, Race. Coming from a great writer like you I take them as a REAL compliment!

I'll have my critique in tomorrow. I've spent the day fighting off some kind of bug, and I feel like I was rode hard and put up wet.

I really liked the ending. Three lines that say a lot. I don't know a lot about Heroes, or about Claire and Sylar's relationship in it, but, from what I do know about him, I really liked this. It felt like it said a lot about his character in a really hitting, sad way.

The style the story was written in also had a very surreal feel to it -- the way she described the fighting between Sylar and the rest of the group as a repeating, never-ending cycle, combined with use of the past tense really helped create this. I could really feel Claire's sense of numb disbelief.

Also, awesome job incorporating the challenge. You hit every base and did so very naturally. I honestly couldn't tell what your quotes were until I looked them up.

I think it was strongest when you stuck in Claire's perspective, rather than switching to Noah's briefly.

I think it would also help if you established the setting earlier in. For most of the story, I had assumed that they were at a funeral for some reason, but then Claire went off to her room.


I really liked this quote. Pithy and insightful.

In general, less passive verbs would be good.

Some small grammatical stuff:



I think it should be none of 'either,' as 'that', IMO, implies the singular (though I could be wrong about this).



Watch your punctuation. Semi-colons are always tricky to work with. In this case, a colon or long dash would have worked better. A long dash or semi-colon should also replace the comma in the second sentence.


All the commas here felt awkward.

The wording here felt rather awkward.

You're missing a 'be' here.

as --> was

live --> lived; You need a different sort of punctuation before forever (a period or long dash would, IMO, work the best).

Comma doesn't work here.

This is just a small PC thing, but it should be the U.S., at least if that's what you mean.

Comma doesn't work here.
--------

TQ: I looked up the lyrics out of curiosity while I was writing. I found one but not the other, though I don't actually remember what it was from, or which one was the one I found. I incorporated my quotes as actual text, rather than thematically, so I didn't really care about what the song was about.

In general, I really, really dislike songfics, so I try to stay away from letting songs influenced my writing. There are a few songs in the multi-chap fic I'm writing right now, but I try to keep them few and far between. Overall, I feel like I've read way too many fics where the author used a song as a crutch for their story, or where they basically interspersed every line with a different lyrics, which just doesn't seem very original or interesting. I know that fanfiction is inherently unoriginal, but I'd rather hear what the author has to say about the characters on their own, without relying or sculpting their words on a song.

The only real influence I think the song would have had on my challenge experience is that if it had been a really, really bad song, then I might have lost an iota of respect for LLK, which would have been sad because LLK is awesome. However, I don't recall the song being one that I strongly dislike, so it's all good.

As for the challenge, it was slightly problematic, I suppose, mainly because my writing tends to change as I write it. My first line ('I'm in every kind of trouble') was easy enough to incorporate, as it had a lot to do with the fic. The second one ('Evil is a distinctive smell'), however, was a lot more difficult. I had picked the lines because I thought that they would be fun and that they would fit well in a more humorous CSI fic, since smell definitely tends to come up while working with the many substances seen on the show. Nonetheless, that second quote just didn't fit. I didn't realize we couldn't switch quotes, so at first I ended up trying to switch before I was told I couldn't. Overall, I think it would be easier if there was more flexibility in that regard -- so either we had more quotes and could switch them or we had less quotes but quotes weren't exclusive. That said, I liked the guidelines because they helped me come up with an idea, which, especially with fluffier oneshots, is always a problem for me.

I'm kind of amused by the two other quotes that were chosen -- 'I just don't know' and 'Shake it like a Polaroid picture' just because the former seems so much easier to incorporate. I'm honestly quite curious as to how many people actually used the second.

As to the other criteria, I am fairly certain that mine kind of failed in the 'fight' category. Riley was more trying to avoid a fight, which prompted her actions, or at least that was my rationalization. More than anything, I looked at the criteria and tried to use them as inspiration rather than parameters. As a result, my fic didn't fit them as well as I would have liked, particularly the 'fight' one.

I think that My Favorite Song did a great job at incorporating everything though. I didn't even notice what the quotes were until just now when I went back to look them up. They fit seamlessly. She definitely got every criterium, plus the bonus one (the secret).

I really don't know how she would answer the questions. However, I think she constructed it very well though. If she had a problem with it, I definitely couldn't tell, as it worked really, really well as a challenge fic.

You're very welcome and very deserving, my dear.

Feel better!

Critique-

First things first—What a cruel trick you played starting out with that letter! If I hadn't known any better I would have stopped reading right there! Good thing I know Flack well enough to know he wouldn't ever write a letter like that to Jess I very well might have walked away and never come back! But I know your writing and I know Flack and I knew you were just being deceptive! Still, very cruel. It was one of the scariest and yuckiest things I've ever read! But as I knew first off that it was only a farce... and a good one at that!

Once I figured out what you were up to I have to admit I loved it! You took the lines I'd originally wanted and went a totally different way with it! I hadn't even thought for a second that a confession could be used so playfully and I kind of envy you for coming up with the idea. It's nice to have such a refreshing and not depressing spin to a love story, you know? I love that this was just a glimpse into their lives because it's so believable. It's completely natural. That makes it perfect.

Really I can't think of anything I didn't like. I even loved the letter you included at the beginning. I mean, it was mean but it was adorable when you think about it in context! Of all of the guys on that show I really do think it's Flack that I can see falling so completely in love with a dog. And you know what? That's damn sexy. You've captured a whole new side of him that I find absolutely believable. Amazing job!

TQ: Did you know where the song lyrics you'd chosen were from when you first picked them? Did you research and find out? Did it matter? For those of you who did look them up how did knowing the source material change the direction you were going with the piece? Did you like this particular added edge to the challenge or did you find it more bothersome than beneficial? From reading the piece you're critiquing would you presume the author felt the same way about the previous questions? Do you think she answered them the same way?

Of course I knew where they were from! I had the rare benefit of being able to hear them being sung as I wrote my story. As a matter of a fact it was a few of the lyrics I used for the challenge, including the one that became Kaz's title, that gave me the idea to begin with. I really enjoyed the edge it added to the challenge but I also felt it almost bothersome. It almost felt like there was too much to be responsible for and too many things I had to focus on. I think in the future challenges would be better with our simple “five criteria” formula.

As for Zelda... I know she was aware of where the lyrics were from but other than that I have no idea. I presume she did some googling, they weren't hard to find. I know Kaz was able to guess what they were from because I'm that transparent! *grumbles.*

Anyway though I didn't enjoy my piece as much as I have before I really think this was my favorite challenge to date. It was a lot of fun, we had great participation, I got to revel in the artistic beauty of one of my favorite compilations of lyrics and Brittney played! Great times all around.

TQ: Did you know where the song lyrics you'd chosen were from when you first picked them? Did you research and find out? Did it matter? For those of you who did look them up how did knowing the source material change the direction you were going with the piece? Did you like this particular added edge to the challenge or did you find it more bothersome than beneficial? From reading the piece you're critiquing would you presume the author felt the same way about the previous questions? Do you think she answered them the same way?

I dind't know where they came from, and I consiedered finding out, but I kind of liked not knowing. I knew when I picked them how I wanted to use them, and I dind't want to change their context from the story too much. And I knew that knowing the song would change that for me.

I chose two based a little on what I knew I could fit with the characters I wanted to use, a little on how generic they were, and a little on tense and grammar issues. As in, I didn't pick any that were in the first person, because I couldn't picture any of my cahracters saying that. One sort of became first person, though, which was interesting.

I think it was a good aspect to add to the challenge, because not only does it add another dimension to it, it adds more of a challenge. I think, though, that one of the most interesting and fun parts of a challnge is that everyone has the same criteria, and it's interesting to see just how different everyone's ideas are.

But as a one-off thing, it worked because you also kept the other five criteria that everyone had to abide by.

I don't know what happyharper felt about them, but they were implemented really well in the piece, almost as if the piece was built specifically around them (which it may have been, because that's kind of the point). Each was used as part of a conversation (though technically, as in verbatim, one wasn't actually used) and the other seemed to be used as a prompt more than anything. Which works really well for this story.


The Perfect Kentrosaurus
By happyharper13

Haha, the first section with Nick, I thought it was funny, and by the second part with Catherine, it seemed as if you had it in for Riley. It was like, "...Oooh. Burn." But then it got funny again.

I liked the whole premise of the story. Just the fact that she would actually superglue the dress to the dinosaur in the the first place. It was very CSI, really. Hehe. Just not realising.

It was something that shows often do with new characters, too (though I suppose Riley's not all that new depending on which continent you live). They'll make them do something horrible, or just really ignorant, so the audience dislikes but pities them, and then they can earn the respect of the viewer as they earn the respect of the other characters.

I may have read too much into that, but oh well. Hehe. That's the fun of critiquing.

There were very few things I found wrong with this story. And most of those were just grammatical things. Like this:



It should be one or the other. As in a hyphen or an ellipses.

Also, drawn out words are probably better off being written in ialics. Just because it's a semi-formal style of writing.



Would be better as "very, very slowly".

I'm not sure, here, whether you just missed the inverted commas or not, but I'll put it here, anyway:



Even though Greg keeps talking on the next line, and in a novel it would work to just leave it, because it's double-spaced, it works better if you close the quotation marks. As in:

"Not in the sketchy way, I mean. Though... well, never mind."

There's a couple of other times you do it, and like I said, grammatically - and ironically - it's actually correct, but on a computer screen, it looks a bit awkward. More like it's been missed as opposed to deliberately left off.

Awesome things:

Hehe, I love the sarcasm of this line:



It's usually a pretty hard thing to convey sarcasm in writing, and it's a talent to do so successfully, even if you are talking about PCP labs. Hehe. I especially liked the scene with Ray.

He's just so cool. I mean, he can screw up all he wants, but he's still just awesome (due in no little part to the fact that he's Lawrence Fishbourne). He's so awkward but not in an awkward way. You know? As in, most people who are at all socially awkward are awkward in part because of their awkwardness. He's not. He's just... He's very gracious about everything, really.

Actually, if I'm wrong, ignore because because I've seen a grand total of one episode with Ray in it - his first one, no less.

Like the fact that he retracted his question:



It's like he doesn't have any interest in his colleagues unless a) it's work-related, b) they want him to, and c) he's interested. Which he seems to be in most things. Like, absorbed and fascinated by everything.

Basically, Ray is awesome, and just about the nicest most understanding person of all time. Hehe.

And Greg! I love that he doesn't want to offend Riley at the start of their conversation.



It seems like Greg to worry about someone else when he's the one being questioned about strange things.

And he doesn't make Blue Hawaiian anymore? Oh, my God. That line actually made me really, really sad!

Speaking of, the transition between Riley's sarcasm and the humour of the piece to Greg's sort of sad memories was really good; very smooth. I dind't even notice it until after it had happened.

I love Greg's playfulness, too. And I was actually relieved when Greg told the story of the dinosaur. I don't think I've ever been so curious as to how someone would get out of a conundrum involving prehistoris animals before. Haha.

Oh, my God!



I laughed far too loud at that. My dad came in and stared at me. Haha. I dont know why, but that line was particularly funny. The whole conversation is good, but that one line... Don't know. Just funny.

"Pseudo-spawn"! I actually choked on a piece of carrot when I read that. I love the term. Hehe.

I haven't seen much of the new CSI (mostly because or sporadic programming) but you get a really good picture of all the characters and the dynamics of everyones' relationships.

And in regards to your author's note, it would mke a good chapter fic, I think, and UST is fun as anything. Hehe.

Good luck if you do decide to go ahead with it!

Thanks happyharper13!

Yeah, I was kind of rushed to put it out there (lmao, I got the challenge the day before I had to leave before I went to the beach) so I couldn't post the beta'd version until I got home.

But now, I can't change it 'cause ffnet is down. D; Oh darn.

It's back up! Looks like it was only down for about an hour.

Haha! You're not transparent. I just pay attention when you talk to me.

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TQ: Did you know where the song lyrics you'd chosen were from when you first picked them? Did you research and find out? Did it matter? For those of you who did look them up how did knowing the source material change the direction you were going with the piece? Did you like this particular added edge to the challenge or did you find it more bothersome than beneficial? From reading the piece you're critiquing would you presume the author felt the same way about the previous questions? Do you think she answered them the same way?

I knew where the lyrics were from the moment I saw LLK's comment just above the list which read: And, yes, I realise they're abstract. It had to be Aida! So, no, I didn't research them, I just teased LLK about it to confirm my suspicions . But, despite the fact I guessed correctly, it didn't matter where the lyrics were from. Even if I hadn't known, I would have been naturally curious, but I don't think it would have altered what I did with the lyrics in any way. The first lyric I picked became the central theme of my story - Aida didn't.

As for whether I found the song lyrics beneficial, I have to say yes. But, only because I hadn't written anything in such a long time and they helped to give me a plot... although, that could have been dumb luck with regards to my choices. Usually, I try to steer clear of song fics, or anything that tries to include lyrics. A song can apply to something, yes, and it can even enhance something, but the difference between a song and a fic is that a song should be heard, and a fic should be read. It rarely translates well into prose.

Incorporating the second lyric was a little bit bothersome, but I picked it for a purpose - to emphasise my theme (which, as I've already stated, was centred around the first lyric). I didn't perhaps pick the most complimentary choices, but Amanda took one of the lyrics I was going to use and so I made do with what I could. That said, I quite liked having contrasting elements to work with. In a sense, I guess you could say it made me more focused and almost linear in my approach, which is a good thing because had I had an opportunity to be "clever" then I'd probably have faffed around with my story more than I already did.

Regarding what LLK thought of the above questions, well, yes, she knew where they were from, no, she didn't look them up, and, no, I don't think it mattered. And that's because her lyrics leant themselves so perfectly to her plot, and YoBling! If she did find them bothersome in no way did that come through in her writing. And I'd be very surprised if anyone answered in the same way - the great reward of these challenges is getting to see how everyone interprets the elements they are given.

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Critique of: Love Worn Lightly, by LLK

Strong Points:
Well, as it's challenge week, let's start with your use of the elements. I love how you managed to get three of the criteria into a single flashback; a fight, the words, "I just don't know," and one of your lyrics. And the best thing about it was that none of them seemed forced, or even rushed. Twas very nicely done! Actually, I guess you could say you even got a fourth element in there in the form of a secret, in that it was a secret moment you created between both Catherine and Warwick. In fact, the whole setting of your story, centred around Warrick's grave, kind of gave it a secretive slant - it was like the two characters were sharing a moment that was entirely them, and secret form the outside world. And the way you ended with the final element fit perfectly. It really summed up the story and left off on a melancholic, yet romantic, note.

Moving on, I liked the way you brought in Tina and her high-heeled shoe print. It acted as a reminder as to (one of the reasons) why Catherine and Warrick had never happened, creating an ever present barrier between the two of them... even though the fact that Warrick was dead did this also. But, the use of Tina made the ending line so much more powerful in that even in life she was denied him. Also, using Catherine's mad-crazy-CSI-skillz to deduce that it was indeed Tina's shoe print was a nice touch.

I thought your characterisation was top-notch, as usual, and could picture Catherine saying all of those things, and feeling what you had her feel about the pile of sentimental items which Tina had removed. It was, oddly, nice to see her grieve a little since the show has shown very little of this since Warrick's death. I also liked that you brought in Nick, as well, reminding us that the whole team felt his death - not just Catherine. <-- [s](It's so ODD spelling 'my/our name' like this!)[/s]

Things To Work On:
Yeah... I have nothing. Eh... I guess maybe your end line could done with a comma after the word want, but I like how simply it reads. And that's the way the lyric was written so... yeah, just ignore me on this point.

The way you used the musical Aida did seem a bit... convenient? But I really don't think it took anything away from your story. In fact, it set up that lovely little flashback you incorporated.

Conclusion:
Another winning story from the YoBling Queen.

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[align=center]And I'm back in the critiquing game! [/align]

TQ: Did you know where the song lyrics you'd chosen were from when you first picked them? Did you research and find out? Did it matter? For those of you who did look them up how did knowing the source material change the direction you were going with the piece? Did you like this particular added edge to the challenge or did you find it more bothersome than beneficial? From reading the piece you're critiquing would you presume the author felt the same way about the previous questions? Do you think she answered them the same way?

Uh, no. o: I didn't really look them up, mainly because I didn't feel like I had to. I mean, phrases are subject to interpretation, and I interpreted the phrases as I saw fit.
I liked the challenge. I don't normally like using lyrics in songs, but it was fun to do this and not make it seem forced or randomly placed.

I don't really know what racefh853629 thought. D: I fail @ answering TQs, lmao.

~~

Critique Time!

Kayso, CRIMINAL MINDS. REID. ROSSI. H/C. These are a few of my favorite things. Really, they are.



Perfect sentences for a H/C fic. :]





The dialogue... all of it was so IC it was crazy.

I didn't find much wrong with it. D:


I think you might mean 'started' here.

...and that's it. :B Great job! I really loved it! <33

Statistics project #1, check! And now I want to get this critique posted before I melt--it hit 90 degrees today...and yes I realize that I live in South Florida, but April is a little early to bring the heat!





I was wondering what kind of reaction I'd get starting out like that, and I never expected to fool anyone completely. But I loved that you reacted so strongly! And it's funny you mention not having a depressing love story, because I almost wrote one...until my dog walked into the room (for those of you who aren't familiar with my mutt, he's an approximately-11-year-old chow/akita/shepherd/husky/etc/etc mix I spirited away from an animal shelter in Detroit when I lived up there) and this other idea popped into my head. I laughed myself silly writing it, so I figured it had to be okay, lol.

And you're right--Flack all heald-over-heels for his canine beauty is damn sexy




TQ: Did you know where the song lyrics you'd chosen were from when you first picked them? Did you research and find out? Did it matter? For those of you who did look them up how did knowing the source material change the direction you were going with the piece? Did you like this particular added edge to the challenge or did you find it more bothersome than beneficial? From reading the piece you're critiquing would you presume the author felt the same way about the previous questions? Do you think she answered them the same way?

I didn’t initially know where they lyrics I chose came from (and to be perfectly honest, I still don’t know anything about one of them), and only looked up the one because I needed the information to fit it into the story. The fact that it came from the musical Aida actually brought a nice element of humor to the piece that I hadn’t anticipated. Outside of that, it was the lyrics themselves that sparked the idea for the plot—several ideas, in fact. And I liked being able to choose from a set the way we did because it gave me a chance to read through and see which ones spoke to me, which ones conjured up images that I could build a story around. Even though we had several required elements, the freedom to choose the lyrics actually seemed to make this challenge less difficult that others I’ve participated in.

As for Miss Giorgia, I can’t tell if she knew where the lyrics came from or if that would have changed anything—they were incorporated so seamlessly into the story that I actually had to go back after reading and find them just to make sure they were there, and I’m not sure that origin had anything to do with it.



Critique:

Things to work on:
A few grammar points to start with—

• “Son,” Victor prodded. Though it may have been a greeting. Should be all one sentence

• It wouldn’t do to give Victor a way out of this conversation; and Martin knew he’d be looking for one. It was half the reason he’d decided to tell Victor in the first place: spite. This one is a matter of preference, because it isn’t technically wrong. Had it been me, I would have used a comma here instead of the semi-colon (but the semi-colon is used correctly!!)

• The issue was, that Martin was fairly damn certain that he was, in fact, attracted to men. The first comma should actually come out.

• It didn’t really matter what they were; they were irrelevant. Here the semi-colon was again used correctly (yay!) but the connected clauses are rather redundant.

• ‘painkillers’ This is a pet peeve of mine and a lot of people do it: single quotation marks are supposed to be used inside regular double quotes, like when someone is quoting someone else. Single quotation marks are not to be used alone.

• And he’d dealt with enough addicts to know not to do that; known Martin long enough to know not to do that. Flag on the play! Misuse of a semi-colon: it connects two independent clauses, remember

• He wasn’t even under the illusion that he was in pain. Which was almost painful in itself. These should be combined to make one sentence.

• Like he was both rooted to the spot, the gravity of the earth’s core tugging him towards it; yet light, as if he weren’t really there, as if he were hovering just above himself. This should also be a comma rather than a semi-colon.

• Though Victor had never hot Martin, hardly even yelled at him – too busy ignoring him – he was an incredibly intimidating man. I think this is supposed to read “Though Victor had never hurt Martin”.


Things that were good:
And now the fun part! I loved the flashbacks interspersed with the present-day activity, even though I didn’t understand what was going on for a while. I only figured it out about two lines before you revealed the reason for poor Martin’s state, and I liked that moment of “oohhhh” when I did get there because it was the same time Danny found out what was going on. And the emotion in the story, the pace, the places you chose to put the flashbacks made it very easy to read and become engrossed in. That’s quite the feat to engross someone in a fandom they aren’t familiar with, too, but you did it. And you had the chance to make Victor out to be a total bastard—which seems to be justified—but you didn’t, and I really liked that (mostly because I’m a sucker for a happy ending, but partially because you didn’t take the easy way out). Not for Victor’s sake, of course, but it was nice that the memory Martin had of his father when he finally settled down was a good one, even if he did have to reach way back into his childhood to find it. It was a good “aww” moment wrapped in a “poor thing” sentiment, and I was very glad that Danny was there to comfort his partner. Nice work!

Hhahaha. I was actually looking up High Schools in the country that were doing Aida this year when I wrote that in (hoping to find one I could venture to see.) While I didn't find one I can actually go and view I did find one playing in Las Vegas and thought that Catherine might enjoy seeing it. So, I took some liberties and wrote it in. :-p. And when I was reading Zelda's fic I realized she'd done something similar... so :-p x 2.

TQ: Did you know where the song lyrics you'd chosen were from when you first picked them? When LLK was first reading them to me, no. I should have known though, I do live with her. After she told me where they were from, of course. She's talked about it before. Silly me.
Did you research and find out? Did it matter? No, it didn't really matter to me. I have such trouble with coming up with ideas on my own I would have worried that when I found out where they were from it would have influenced my writing more than I would have liked. Well, I knew where they were from I guess I should say if I knew more about the production they were from.
Did you like this particular added edge to the challenge or did you find it more bothersome than beneficial? I think since I got in there and picked some pretty good ones it was an awesome addition. If I had ended up getting some really off the wall lyrics I might have found it harder.
From reading the piece you're critiquing would you presume the author felt the same way about the previous questions? Do you think she answered them the same way? From how well she placed them into the story, I would say she had no problem at all. They fit in so perfect I had to look up to see what her lyrics were.


The Likies:
I have to say the best part of the story is when you stuck the letter “u” in humor. It was great! It made me want to try to talk like you some more!

No, but really. I think the part of your story that stood out to me the most was the structure of it. I really liked how they all started and ended the same way, loves it! I know it’s hard, especially for people who write for fun, to but that sort of delicious literary goodness into their stories. It made each scene begin and end so seamlessly. And it made the image of each scene pop out. It made the read enjoyable because you could have easily kept it a simple, “It was night time. Calleigh was still at the lab. The lights were on.” I’m so glad you didn’t do that! Ack.

Like I said in my TQ, I really like how you had the lyrics fit into the story so perfectly. I kinda suspected that your title might have been one of your lyrics, but I wasn’t sure. They fit in so perfectly I had to go back and see which ones you picked. Wow! Great job.

The relationship you portrayed with Calleigh and Eric was so believable. I don’t really watch the show, nor know much about the fanfic “ships” (besides YoBling because I do live with LLK) but I do know that it was a totally believable interaction between two people who were at least sleeping together and had feelings for one another.

The Others:
Really, the only thing I could say is that it was so short! I know that you want to leave your readers wanting more, and I did! But I think I wanted too much more, besides sex. I was so waiting for a sex scene and I didn’t get it. I know, I know, not everyone writes smut, and I know, I know some things are just better left implied. I think you just got picked a naughty scene lovin’ critiquer.

Great job KazFace.

GASP! I do believe you are attempting to mock my British spellings.

Anyway, thanks a bunch for a top-notch critique, Old Sport. Tally-ho!

Lols! You're so silly-ing awesome.