You think that's not advisable? You should try crowd surfing in a kilt - that is REALLY so not a good idea!

I finished Friday night! LLK - hope you got the link sorted. If not, let me know and I'll go do it properly.

Leni

A kilt? Whoo. I knew there was a reason to wear pants... hehe.

TQ: Find your very favorite line from the piece you're critiquing. Explain why its your favorite. Does it send a chill down your spine? Does it make you warm and happy? Is it pretty to look at? Be as detailed as possible.


Assignments:

*Sarai* - Untitled

peaceloverainbow - Fearing the Past

Miiztaylor - Day's Ending

Racefh852639 - She'll Take Your Breath Away

Jacqui - The Past is Now Another Land

Lostladyknight - Remedies

Giorgia - Four Little Words

Marymagdalen - Didn't We Almost Have It All

TQ: Find your very favorite line from the piece you're critiquing. Explain why its your favorite. Does it send a chill down your spine? Does it make you warm and happy? Is it pretty to look at? Be as detailed as possible.



Definitely my favorite line in this story. It's a great story with fantastic lines, but this one stands out.

It made me go "WHOA, HE FOUND OUT ABOUT HER GOING THERE. THAT'S MOTIVE, HE HAS NO ALIBI, HE KILLED HER." (Yes, I know, I watch too many crime shows) But it also made me feel bad for Sara, once she found the fliers. I could just imagine her just staring at it, probably shaking a little, too.

It sent a little chill down my spine, but it was probably the opening credits of Titanic that made it do that coupled with the line.

Just a simple, short line that I liked, but most of the time that's usually all it has to be.

Critique:



I thought the rhyming line out of nowhere was pretty funny. But then I was being Dr. Seuss throughout the rest, haha. You've created a monster.



I think you should have a semi-colon instead of the comma.



We all know what assuming does. It makes an xxx out of u and me.


It was great. I liked it. I couldn't really find anything wrong with it, so I obviously was just pulling things out of my butt to critique on.

TQ: Find your very favorite line from the piece you're critiquing. Explain why its your favorite. Does it send a chill down your spine? Does it make you warm and happy? Is it pretty to look at? Be as detailed as possible.



This was my favourite line, I think, mostly because my dirty teenaged mind enjoys innuendo a little too much. The thing I like about it is that it's been written as a humourous thing, rather than an awkward-silence thing. They just go straight back to their conversation.

You can just picture the two guys literally shoving at each other, trying to maintain their manly manhood while the woman wonders off tutting at them. I can almost hear an, "Ew, cooties! Get off me!" from one of them.

I think you've set it up really well, too. The other man cursing at them, mentioning the "busy" street, etc.

The line just made me giggle.

Critique:

Four Little Words
By MaryMagdalen

First of all, it's nice to see a fic that is nether romance-centred, nor case-file. I, personally, enjoy writing little 'friendship' scenes as well, but you've got it down nicely, here. Danny and Flack just chattin', havin' a few (too many) beers. It's cute, their little man-bonding. I've always thought man-bonding was rather amusing.

Like guy-hugs, it's just one of those things.



And you managed to get criteria one of the challenge out of the way pretty quickly!

I also liked your descriptions of the street.





Scene setting is often really important in writing, and I can see this very well.

The only suggestion I have, is that you use body language a bit more. Someone like Danny would, you'd think, be very physical while trying to make a point. Especially after a few beers. Even something like Flack rolling his eyes at Danny's insistence.

it makes the scene just that much more visual for whoever's reading it.

There are, I've noticed, very few shows with which you could actually write a story like this. By that I mean that there aren't many shows that actually have characters with semi-normal relationships. If there're a couple of guys, usually they're work-buddies: tease each other, pats-on-the-back before going home, grunted helloes in the corridor.

That, or there's a rivalry or some kind between the two.

It's nice to see two guys just hanging out.

And need I mention the awesome writing tool that is parental angst? Ah, but it is fun! Of the four characters (over two fandoms) that I usually write, there're two men abused by their fathers, one man with a controlling/disapproving xxx of a father (like Flack's, here), and a woman whose parents left her when she was a kid.

It's great fun.

All in all, Leni, I love this piece. Right down to the actual concept (if you hadn't noticed already...) Hehe.

Giorgia

This was a tough choice. You have a lot of beautiful prose here. But I think ultimately, my favorite line is this one:



Why? Simply, because it made me smile. I think this is because it not only, in a single word, ties right back to the challenge, but because it puts a big red bow on the piece. At the end of Catherine’s reverie, she could be melancholy – who wouldn’t, remembering a fallen friend? But seeing that her daughter is calling her, she has cause to smile. It’s very uplifting, that one word, and a perfect way to allow Catherine to move on.

Critique:

Not that I’m complaining, but this was also tough! Not to read or enjoy, but to critique. I’ve read it over a couple of times and there’s little to improve upon.



This line needs a comma between ‘swirl’ and ‘he’d’.



I loved Warrick’s first line here; I could see those green eyes smiling and the smirk on his lips. The second part feels like Warrick was hit with a sudden moment of awkwardness, which is really not characteristic of him. I think you could cut it out entirely and not lose any feeling from the scene.



I think this would read a little more smoothly if you said “She’d never been able to remember” instead, if you are trying to convey that she’d tried to remember before this moment and couldn’t.



I think the ellipsis could be a comma.

One other thing I noticed was that your dialogue tags tend to be sentences or fragments, and leave out the “he said”, etc. Examples:



Probably no one else would care, it’s really nitpicky, to the point where I don’t even think it’s technically grammatically incorrect. I personally found it a little jarring and wanted to add periods.

Your characterization is phenomenal, particularly for Warrick. In fact, I almost chose his line, “I’m all that and so much more,” as my favorite I loved Greg’s exasperation at his case and then his heartfelt words for Catherine at the end. I loved Catherine wanting to put the photo away, as though if she shared it with anyone else the memory might not last as long. And, of course, her “back-to-business” attitude – very collected, very Catherine, indeed.

The story overall was a beautiful peek into Catherine and Warrick’s friendship. I loved that they were so physically close when Catherine needed comfort. I could imagine that his holding her on the dance floor did more for her than any words he could’ve chosen. Also, I loved that you opened the story as though Warrick were still alive. It had me hoping that you had willfully ignored his being fatally shot in an alleyway, although I’m a canon girl all the way and I don’t think I would’ve been as satisfied with it as I was. Also, Warrick is very much alive in Catherine’s memory, and it was a fantastic way to convey that.

And with all that said, most importantly: I loved it! Despite the sombre tone of the work, it was great fun to read and review. I'll leave you some public love where it's posted

Jacqui

Critique:

Firstly- AWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

That story was so adorably cute. I had tears in my eyes as I read this story. It was so sweet, and not exactly what I was expecting, which made it even better.

I love the expansion on what we saw in the episode. I actually wish we had seen some of that in the show.

The story had quite a bit of raw emotion, which made it so much more powerful. It tugs at the heart strings, even though you know that the story's going to end up happy.

I didn't see any errors in the story. You have a great style and a great flow to this, which makes it so much better. Well done.


TQ: Find your very favorite line from the piece you're critiquing. Explain why its your favorite. Does it send a chill down your spine? Does it make you warm and happy? Is it pretty to look at? Be as detailed as possible.

My favorite line: He wrapped his arms all the way around you, pulled you in close, put his cheek to yours, and squeezed with the same love of contact that a three year old had.

It's very descriptive. I can feel what it would be like to receive a hug from Nick (especially since I have a friend who hugs like that), and it is easy to read and understand. It makes me happy, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Especially with the way it flows with the story, it works so well and really adds to the tone of the piece. It's emotional, and it makes me smile.

[align=center]I figured out how to use the quote thing!!![/align]

TQ:
Find your very favorite line from the piece you're critiquing. Explain why it’s your favorite. Does it send a chill down your spine? Does it make you warm and happy? Is it pretty to look at? Be as detailed as possible.



This line has a dark, sarcastic feel to it. Tony is sad, and yet angry, but his words are lashing out at Ziva. It reminds me of how I act when I’m mad at myself and take it out on friends. I also love that Ziva doesn’t take offence to it. You made me understand the sarcasm with out there actually being a “…”, he said sarcastically.

Critique:
I don’t follow NCIS like I do CSI, so I’m not great with the characterizations. Although, with my uncle living at my house and his T.V. in the living room the channel seems to be stuck on the re-runs. But I’m not complaining.



You have defiantly mastered ‘Ziva Speak.’ She has her own way of talking; being that English is her second language. (Right?) Either way, I could hear her speaking the words you wrote.



If I’m not mistaken, there should be a comma instead of a period between head and “There.

Other than that, I can’t find anything else. I very much enjoyed your story. It had a dark, yet comforting feel to it. You have defiantly inspired me to keep watching for more Ziva-Tony moments.

TQ: Find your very favorite line from the piece you're critiquing. Explain why its your favorite. Does it send a chill down your spine? Does it make you warm and happy? Is it pretty to look at? Be as detailed as possible.

There are so many that I really really loved that this became one of the harder topic questions I've ever had to write. Don't you just love my ability to come up with TQ's that will drive you insane. Either that or maybe I ought to blame you for having such a freaking awesome way with words. I read through your story for the first time last week after you pm'd it to me. I was at work and reading it on my cell phone. Yes... I can do that! The problem is that I got so caught up in it I wanted to tell my customers how awesome the story I was reading was. Actually it was your piece that made me make the TQ what it was in the first place.

I wanted to see which the person who ended up critiquing you thought was the best of the many near perfect lines. Little did I know that one was going to blow up in my face. Now I've got to pick just one. How am I supposed to do that? Do you have any idea how good you are?! Not cool.

*stops pouting*

I've decided:



And it's a very simple reason why I liked this one so much more than all the others. I've been there. I've been that. I've felt exactly what you're conveying here. Sometimes calm isn't enough. Sometimes you have to be in a situation that matches your mood.

Critique:

This was good. The end.

Kidding. But I really loved it. Honestly I don't think I've ever read anything quite like that first scene before. It really wasn't like anything I've seen in fanfiction. Just the way it depicted feeling. Is that weird? It's just that it made me feel so much for such a short scene. It really wasn't like reading at all, more like being there. Your 16 year old Danny is a character that I can absolutely and completely relate to. I felt like I was standing there beside him.

Some things I just loved:







All of those line are so well put. I guess that's such a weird compliment but that's exactly how I see it. They're the perfect phrasing for the idea. The perfect blend of wording and scenery. It's like you've been there—as though you're not telling Danny's story but your own. Or mine. Incredible.


And then you follow it up with the very grown up and almost completely different Danny—but you can see a shadow of the Danny from the dream in him. No matter how far he'd come or how much of him still lurked in the shadows of his daily life he seemed to be he still didn't really lose that sense of himself. I didn't feel like I was reading about a stranger by the time I got to that point.

Also, I loved the way he felt remorseful about sleeping with Martin. The way it was easy to seduce him and how he even corrected himself that it wasn't seduction at all it was just an offer that was enthusiastically accepted. Mostly I liked that it was Martin that seemed to make him decide that it was okay and Martin that brought the man out in him.

TQ: Find your very favorite line from the piece you're critiquing. Explain why its your favorite. Does it send a chill down your spine? Does it make you warm and happy? Is it pretty to look at? Be as detailed as possible.

For this I picked the opening line of the story:

Why do I like this line? A lot of reasons.

I like the alliteration at the beginning – “A single sliver of silver moonlight”. I could picture right away the scene, and felt the anticipation of a romantic and enchanting piece – you know, it's the scene of the princess lying there with a single shaft of light on her as the prince comes along to kiss her... aaahhhh!

It’s a good line to start a story with. It set the scene for something romantic and sweet and enchanting, and I found myself immediately really looking forward to something warm and happy.

And it is SO misleading! Within a few more lines, you find that, in some ways, there’s actually nothing romantic or enchanting at all about the actual substance of the story! Or is there? Hmmmm... a good way to draw the reader into a story that doesn’t go down the road you expect it to.

But because of that, it’s a good way to start the piece. I liked it, anyway!


Critique: Didn't We Almost Have It All
by LeAnnKatherine

First of all, I had a lot of problems with the punctuation in this – so much so, in fact, that I’m not going to list all the bits I would question (unless you want me to!).

Just one example:


Loads of semi-colons instead of commas, commas instead of full stops, punctuation missing, things like that. To me it was just irritating, because I found myself having to concentrate on working out the flow of the sentences rather than on the actual story. Could just be me, but... well, it detracted from the story. Sorry!

However, despite that, I really loved the story. It was actually quite sad, very poignant, to hear Ziva expressing how worthless she felt, despite knowing that she was loved, and to hear Tony’s desperation as he tried to convince her of his love. You got such a great balance between her dwelling so much on her past, the bad stuff, and him trying to look to the future, the good that could be.

I also found it pretty sad that Ziva would rather hurt herself than hurt Tony, but not realising that what she was doing was just what was actually hurting him anyway!

You got some lovely pieces of descriptive writing in there too. I’ve already mentioned the “single sliver of silver moonlight” in the TQ; plus describing the light on her hair, the way they both cried, things like that, which just added a special touch to what would otherwise have just been a long and depressing conversation!

Finally, I just wondered if the following was right:

Should it be the other way around, i.e. “...propping her head up on her hand to look at him.”?

And you got all the challenge elements in too. Great job; I really liked it, sad though it was.

Leni

Hey I'm sorry this is so late and short; I've had a week that was just grrr , and Leni, I'm sorry about the standard of the piece you had to critique this week, I just got a chance to re-read it; and it's awful *really needs a beta*

TQ: Find your very favorite line from the piece you're critiquing. Explain why its your favorite. Does it send a chill down your spine? Does it make you warm and happy? Is it pretty to look at? Be as detailed as possible.

Go away, come back, go away, come back; his thoughts were like a pendulum, swinging back and forth between sides. The ceiling was dark, shadows from passing cars playing across it.

I absolutely love this paragraph (I couldn’t just choose one line heh). It sets an amazing opening to the story, and it’s just so descriptive. You kinda get a feel for the guys mind, and it lets you know that it’s not going to be all smiles and laughter.

Critique:

Good things-

As I said before I don’t know the fandom, but I just took this as a story rather than a fanfic so I could give it my full attention.

This was really well written, and despite not knowing much about anything when I first started reading it, I quickly found out a lot. I found the character of Will really interesting; by the second and third paragraph I had a picture in my head of what he acted, looked like and sounded like.

I like the mix of the longer descriptive paragraphs in the beginning and the shorter; more choppy dialogue of the middle piece, It’s a nice change of pace and it feels like you’re in there watching them have the conversation.

You got it to flow so well, and you got all the challenge elements in there without making it glaringly obvious that you had to include them; they fit well with the story.

Not so good things-

Just a tiny spelling mistake that I noticed-

“An intervection?” Will asked. Jack smiled and laughed

Should maybe be intervention?

And also, I would have used commas in this line to maybe make it flow better (but I think that might just be a preference thing for me)-

Will moved out of the way - stumbling slightly in the process - and let him in.

Overall though you did a really great job; you hooked me from the beginning and left me wanting to read more. I was actually disappointed when it finished lol. I really enjoyed this.
Sorry again for this being so short.

LeAnn.

Before I award who won the best TQ answer this week, I just want to say a couple of things about the challenges everyone submitted this time around:

Jacqui and Taylor, congrats on completing your first challenge for the FCG! I've read both your fics, as well as everyone elses, and think you both did a great job with your pieces. I hope you're both still here for the next one!

Leni, it was great to see you do something so different to your usual. I liked your take on the Flack/Danny relationship and thought your sentence structure in this was very well put together - I'm referring to how you made a comment and then added that extra little punch to it. Like here, for example: Asking Danny to reveal his sources had always been a pointless exercise, and Flack enjoyed a good basketball game as much as anyone, so he just took up Danny’s offer whenever it came around. Usually.

Sarai, ah how I've missed your angst! You always manage to make your stories read so personally and I loved how you depicted Ziva's feelings/insecurities in this. It was sad, romantic and full of that beautiful melancholy you do so well. Great job!

Peaceloverainbow, I loved the emotions you displayed/depicted in your fic. Your beginning was very strong and set the tone for the rest of the story. Actually, I think that's one of the best beginnings I've read for a while - the pendulum was a great metaphor. And generally the use of imagery in this was brilliant.

Giorgia, your fic impressed me an immense amount. You seem to outdo yourself every single time you write something new and it's no secret that you, like everyone who submitted challenges this week, are a talented writer. I liked how you began with reflection; insecurities; fear and then ended with conclusion - it tied all of the thoughts and emotions you'd addressed at the start together. Good to see you dabbling in the tool of italics - one thing I will say about this, however, is that it's important to remember less is more. The more you use something the less effect it has. Other than that, wow. Just wow.

LLK, *places post it notes everywhere telling you to stop being silly and to realise how great this fic is* You write Yobling! like nobody's business. Everything you write is just so them and I thought that dancing scene was perfect. Absolutely perfect. I've already told you that I got butterflies reading this and, having read this again just now, I can confirm that the butterflies are still well and truly present. So shut up, 'kay?

Taylor, your ending was the standout for me in your fic. It was very very strong. Good use of imagery throughout and a nice touch of pathetic fallacy to boot in regards to the rain. I also thought the way you interpreted the challenge was rather unique and the way you went about writing it seemed like it was a story with a challenge incorporated within it as opposed to a story crafted around a challenge. Which is how it should be.

Jacqui, you also impressed me with your piece. I loved your use of sections and the way you intertwined future and past, forcing Nick to deal with both at the same time. The relationship you crafted between Nick and Cassie was very believable and I adored the ending! It was so very cute. All in all great job!

And last but not least, Racefh: I deliberately left you until last because, for me, I thought yours was the stand out piece this week. It was tender, angsty, full of tension and just made me think wow! when I read it.

[align=center]- Best TQ Answer -[/align]

Winner: Marymagdalen

TQ: Find your very favorite line from the piece you're critiquing. Explain why its your favorite. Does it send a chill down your spine? Does it make you warm and happy? Is it pretty to look at? Be as detailed as possible.


For this I picked the opening line of the story:

Why do I like this line? A lot of reasons.

I like the alliteration at the beginning – “A single sliver of silver moonlight”. I could picture right away the scene, and felt the anticipation of a romantic and enchanting piece – you know, it's the scene of the princess lying there with a single shaft of light on her as the prince comes along to kiss her... aaahhhh!

It’s a good line to start a story with. It set the scene for something romantic and sweet and enchanting, and I found myself immediately really looking forward to something warm and happy.

And it is SO misleading! Within a few more lines, you find that, in some ways, there’s actually nothing romantic or enchanting at all about the actual substance of the story! Or is there? Hmmmm... a good way to draw the reader into a story that doesn’t go down the road you expect it to.

But because of that, it’s a good way to start the piece. I liked it, anyway!

Yay, I won the Best TQ Answer! Thanks Kaz. Now can you fix it so that I can win £10,000 for answering the stupid question they put up at the end of each CSI episode on TV?

Leni