JE SUIS FINIS!

Hee. It's probably going to have a mariad of mistakes because I basically finished it at 2 in the morning but I had fun writing it. :p I also included a YouTube clip to LLK in case whoever gets mine doesn't have a CLUE what the show is about.

I got the email...and you have my story already.

<3 you

I just got the e-mail.

I just signed up today- so that doesn't really give me enough time to write a story. I'll pass on this one, but try and make it next round.

I didn't get the e-mail. Yep, my e-mail still has perpetual PMS and Alzheimers.

But Heather passed it along to me and you've already got my story so nothing to worry about for moi.

I'm writing it now, and after originally wanting to go for the first challenge because it was that - a challenge - I just do not have the time.

So you will have my fic by midday, as you requested.

PS. my apologies to whomever has to critique my fic; I've been to three parties in the space of 42 hours, feel like I have been hit by a double decker bus about 8 million times, and I have yet to have a cup of tea this morning. Oh the horror...

I don't think there really is a wrong way to do a challenge, really. I'm sure you did great Giorgia.

Kaz, I emailed you. Please check it ASAP.

Geni, yep you did get your fic in! I still have it and the youtube clip sitting in my inbox.

Heather, welcome again. Of course you didn't have time to do the challenge. It's still nice to have you around.

Racefh, well you already know how I feel about your challenge story and we've discussed it ages ago. Great job.

The Assignments are in!

[hr]

Ooops my bad! I forgot something.

Please everyone answer the following TQ along with your critique.

Since this is our first challenge with unlimited fandoms let's focus on that. How did you choose your fandom?


[hr]

1. Racefh853629:

"Simple Things"

2. Kazalene:

"Desolation Road"

3. Speed_Cochrane:

"When Were You"

4. Lostladyknight:

"Only Human"

5. Giorgia:

"Friendship on the Rocks with a Twist"

6. Gwendolyn A. Archer:

"Summer Nights"

[hr]

Everyone please read and critique the fic you're assigned!

Critiques are welcome as soon as humanly possible!

Please post all finished critiques in this thread.

Please remember all critiques are due by Saturday, July 5th, 2008


[hr]

NOTE: Here are some EXTRA RESOURCES to go along with a few of the stories posted above:


Speed_Cochrane's Desolation Road

Clip 1: Summary of the series to date: [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZW3Wd2DSZ0&feature=related[/youtube]

Clip 2: Overview of Sam and Dean's relationship: [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VePmw_0pHkw[/youtube]


Gwendolyn A. Archer's Friendship on the Rocks with a Twist


Clip 1: Roz Admits to Sleeping with Frasier [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqhEDV7yaGw&feature=related[/youtube]

Clip 2: Frasier Bloopers [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-VuPbXE_bI[/youtube]


LLK'S When Were You

Good Book Review about the novel "When Were You" was based upon: The Time Traveler's Wife

[hr]


Thanks everyone!

-LLK

Eeep first critique! Go me!

I miss Amanda being here to be my competition for this!

Since this is going to be a tough critique to do I think I'll start with the critique and then worry about the TQ later.



Story Title: Only Human
Author: Giorgia

Critique:

I, actually, really liked this story. I guess I was kinda apprehensive to write a critique for this story because I'm really not a fan of Bones but I enjoyed the story. You haven't created a convert yet. I haven't decided I need to watch every episode, however I think I've decided that fanfiction might be the way to go. I've enjoyed all of your stories that I've read to date. Quite a bit, actually.

Okay so first I guess I'll talk a bit about the way you formatted the story. I really liked how it was almost like puzzle pieces. How the fist two halves seemed to almost produce the last one. Okay, puzzle pieces is a simile that only works in my head. It was more like uh... two ingredients that came together to make one great result. Booth's bit was funny, I have to admit. I liked how dazed, tired, and out of it he was. I also, of course, loved that he turned friends on. It was really quite the chuckle to read his reaction to Phoebe's song. Then there was Brennan and her bit. How energized she seemed to come home and start writing, how happy she seemed. It was like she was Booth's polar opposite. I really liked how that came together in the end and yet at the same time it was totally different. It was like Brennan and Booth had become total opposites of what they were in privacy. Booth was happy and in a great mood. Brennan, however, became much more introverted. I like that you showed their obvious and overpowering effect on each other.

A line, in particular, that I liked quite a bit was:



It was a really great way to end the story. It highlighted the ease he feels around her and, in truth, didn't give away his secret feelings at all. You hinted throughout his part that he had an attraction here for her but he seems to mask it well. This depicts a close friendship and honestly made me smile. I caught myself telling him, aloud, that he was smooth. My roommate even gave me a look or two, but she's used to me talking to fanfiction by now.

The only thing I have to say as a negative means virtually nothing coming from me and you should probably just ignore it. While I love your characterization of both characters and while I think it's consistent throughout your stories I honestly can't say if I feel like they're in character for the show. They are unlike what I would expect of them from the show but honestly having only seen one episode (and only having retained a small bit from it that I may be confusing with an episode of Without A Trace) I really can't say.
I hope this is helpful to you.

TQ:
Choosing a fandom was kinda tough. I was talking to Amanda very early this week and she suggested that she had an interest in writing a Gilmore Girls piece so that was out for me. My idea was going to involve Jess and Rory on the episode with Lorelai's graduation where Rory ditches her to go see Jess in NY. However I didn't want to use the same idea as someone else so I changed my mind from that one.

Then a few other story ideas came to me. I spent a good few weeks (Brittney gave me the challenge a few weeks ago. I've had a slip of paper with it on there sitting on my computer since) leading up to challenge day trying to work out a CSI Miami/ Golden Girls crossover story. Both being set in Dade county I thought that it couldn't be TOO hard to pull off. I thought in the very least some of you would enjoy seeing me flex my Miami muscles a bit further. In the end, however, all of my story ideas were either a little too dirty or I couldn't talk myself into accepting the time lines being a bit skewed so I decided that it just wasn't going to work.

Another story idea I had was going to be set in Frasier verse (which I'm glad I didn't go with because that's what my roomie did) it was going to be Niles centric, probably early on in the series. I have an adoration for David Hyde Pierce and writing for his character would have been a pleasure. I couldn't think of any good, concrete, ideas though and in the end abolished all of them.

Then there were momentary thoughts of exploring a few other fandoms. Avatar: The Last Airbender, CSI, The Nanny, and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. None of the ideas really stuck to me though. I kept either going back to Gilmore Girls, the Miami/Golden Girls crossover, or one other idea which ended up being the one I went with.

For some reason Alba DeTamble wouldn't get out of my head. Scenario after scenario seemed to creep up of things she'd have to deal with as a child, teen, or even adult. Eventually the subconscious scenarios gave way to real, thought out, stories and when I walked over to my bar and picked up my copy of the novel (The Time Traveler's Wife) everything seemed to fall into place. I dropped the book open to a spot at random and the whole story idea came to me in a flood. I won't dare say it's the best story I've ever written, surely it's far from it. But it was the easiest, for sure. I guess you could presume that the way I chose was by following my gut.

Ahhh my first critique. I hope this does your story justice.

Summer Nights by Racefh853629

Unfortunately, I do not watch most of the CSI’s (I know what am I doing here?! Ha-ha) so I didn’t know who your characters were. Therefore, I would like to start by apologizing that I cannot critique you in one of the biggest aspects of writing, which is characterization; I cannot parallel the two aspects of the same character. In saying that, I can tell you that without knowing the characters on a personal level, I guess it would be, that in just an outsider’s point of view I can critique on the characterization in a general sense. For example, I thought that the bond between the brother and the sister was so real, especially in their situation where they had lost their mother at a really young age. I could tell that he was the type of older brother that really looked out for his younger sister. I didn’t have the bond with my brother when I was younger, but luckily now that we’re older I know that’d he do anything he could for me, and be there for me.

Also, I thought that your dialogue in the first part of the story was also very realistic. In real life people don’t always get to complete their sentences, and sometimes they don’t need to say much at all for the other person to understand what they’re saying. For instance, in the flow of just one to two word sentences that you had them exchange back and forth, there was a strong subtext there that as a reader I could tell that the characters had been through this before, they know it well, and don’t really need long monologues to explain what they’re feeling for everyone to understand. In the second part of the story I thought the dialogue there was very humorous. Danny’s lines were funny, which also added to his characterization. And even though it went from loving/soft words in the first half, to harsh words in the second the transition you gave (her waking up in a really awkward location) gave reasoning to the jump.

Saying this about your dialogue, even though it did have its strong points, I found some points that also needed work. In your story it was hard for me to follow who was talking. It took me a couple of times reading over the lines. For example:

“Yeah, but you know I never listen to you.” He chuckled.

Often authors use actions after a dialogued sentence to avoid having to “he said/she said” or “he asked/she asked.” Here it was Kacey saying the line, but you’re giving Tim an action therefore making it seem like Tim is saying the line. I was taught that whenever the action shifts to another character you should make a new paragraph. So your dialogue could flow something like this:

“Let’s… not think about that,” he interrupted, winking.

She shook her head, “Whatever you say.” She laid her head against his chest, smiling. “I’m really adjusting to this.”

“I told you this wasn’t a bad idea after all.”

“Yeah, but you know I never listen to you.”

He chuckled at her response.

Overall, I thought that it was a really good story, and I think that you should be proud of that, especially coming from someone who doesn’t know the
show. Just as a short scene standing alone, it was interesting and really an enjoyable read. Well done!








TQ: I chose Frasier to do my piece on because it’s one of my favorite shows on television. It was one of the only shows that I felt like I could get a good majority of the characters right. Next time I might try Friends or the Golden Girls, but I don’t know how many people other than LLK and myself that like the Golden Girls.

Third critique! Yay! Probably more to do with time difference, but whatever.

Critique: Friendship on the Rocks With a Twist by Gwendolyn A. Archer

To begin, I was a really happy to see a Roz/Frasier fic! I don't watch Frasier religiously, but I absolutely love it, and I'm always psyched to see someone who writes for not only Frasier, but ships Roz/Fraiser. Because of this, I can't remark precisely on character, but as far as I know, this was very good.

I loved Mrs. Moon. She's just fantastic and you've got her cynicism down pretty well. The fact that her solution to everything was:



And Daphne, ever so sweet. When she wants to be...

Also the imagery of Martin and Frasier watching Friends cracked me up. Just the idea of people on a sitcom watching a sitcom. And that you worked in Chndler and his bee was awesome. He's such a dope, I can just picture the Central Perk/bee/Smelly Cat incident.

I also really liked the way that the story progressed. By that I mean that it is unusual to see someone willing to give a story a sort of... iffy ending. Iffy in the not-a-happy-ending sense. I like that you have it going from comedy to conversation to a more affectionate interaction to them sleeping together. It all works well.

I also think it would be more in character for Roz to leave in the morning, actually. As much as I would love to see them in all their morning-snuggly-goodness (that sounds dirtier than intended) I think it works well for both the characters and the story for her to leave.

The only non-positive thing I have to say is that it may help to proof-read a little more. Do you convert from Word document to FF, or do you write it straight onto the site? Not that it matters; there were just a few words that didn't quite fit, or were a little awkward. I got this advice a while ago on this site to read my fics out loud as a way of proof reading, and it really, really helps.



Is this supposed to be "nodded at Mrs. Moon"? Trust me, though, it doesn't detract from the story in the least. Mostly, though, the only grammatical errors are just typos, which are unavoidable. I know: I have my share. More than my share.

And I have to say that Martin and Frasier's interaction at the start was just spot on. The casual way Martin approaches things, as opposed to his somewhat high-strung children always cracks me up, and you've got it down, here.

Finally, I love the title. The fact that it has about three different meanings is really good. I think every time I look at it, I see another. It's like an Eye-Spy book. Only not.

TQ:

Well, for fear of being the dullest person alive, choosing a fandom for me wasn't really very hard. Especially considering I only actually write for one. Bones. As much as there are other ships that I absolutely adore, Bones is the only one I actually write for. I suppose most of my favourite shows have actually ended, so pretty much all the couples I ship are (theoretically) together now. At the very least their relationships have been resolved to the point where I don't feel the need.

The crossover fandom to choose was pretty simple, as Phoebe Buffay is a Friends character, and I've no imagination.

Sorry for the boring TQ response...

Thanks for the wonderful critique, Gwendolyn A. Archer. I have the bad habit of writing dialogue like that... But, anyway... onto my critique!

Story: Simple Things
Author: Kazalene

First of all, one word... AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So cute. So very, very cute.

Strong Points:
I like how you captured a very intimate moment of their lives. Watching the kids play at the park after a picnic. It's sweet, and something that the two of them would do with their children. They'd be great parents (from what I've seen on the show), and I think you portray them as such very well.

I love that Arianna's more like Calleigh, and Joel's more like Eric. Down to his stubborn demands, he's like both of them. And I could totally see Calleigh's daughter decideing that she'd just pick herself up and go on after being knocked down.

I like that you give some background to the story without overwhelming the story with it. Setting up the kids ages as subtly as you did, plus other details. I think it was well done.

I think it's also well within Eric's character to want a large family, but to also not want to pressure his wife into having more kids than she wants. And I think it would take some convincing to get Calleigh to agree, but she would, definitely, at some point.

Not as Strong Points:
The only thing I have to say is that 9 hours in labor isn't that bad... haha. It seems like a lot, but when you figure you have to dilate to 10 cm... I'm rambling in medical speak, I know, but there's really nothing bad about this story to say. Great job!

TQ:
I chose that particular fandom because when I kept reading over the prompts, I couldn't come up with anything. Then, out of nowhere, the story idea came to me, with Tim, Kacey, Flack, and Danny. It just hit me. So, here we are.

Firstly, thank you to Racefh for the lovely critique

TQ: Since this is our first challenge with unlimited fandoms let's focus on that. How did you choose your fandom?

Haha, choose? There was no decision to make. I only write for CSI Miami, and if it weren't for EC I probably wouldn't even write. Boring, I know, but meh. I will probably expand into other fandoms... eventually. But, for now, I'm having fun with EC. There's just so much you can do with them. *nods*

[hr]
Critique

Title: Desolation Road
Author: Speed Cochrane

Before I begin, I just have to say this: Supernatural rocks my socks! *has a girly moment and drools over Dean*

Strong Points:

I liked how you threw us straight into the story with the very simple first line. Can't say why, exactly, but it just seemed rather effective to me. And the way you linked back to it in chapter three was also well done - it gave a little background.

Another thing I noticed was the dark humour you incorporated into it. It was very fitting as it's something Supernatural as a show does, too. And it made the story that much more engrossing. The thing about humour is it's a great tool with regards to rises and falls - you can build up an intense moment, only to diminish it with a simple humorous comment/thought/event. Sometimes using humour heightens the darkness of a situation, too. And I have to say, I did shout at the TV a little at the end of season three so I think you handled the aftermath and Sam's emotions really well.

As for flow, you do it effortlessly. This is perhaps the thing that I'm most critical of when I read fics, but I have nothing to say about yours. Good job! Your descriptions are very intense, too. Which heighten the tension in your story and help to draw the reader in.


Usually, when using foreign languages in fics, people tend to just assume that the reader knows the translation, or simply just insert translations at the end of a chapter - something that I hate! If you're going to use another language(s), it needs to flow seamlessly with your prose - like it belongs there. You do this really well and even if you hadn't included the English voice of "He's coming to take him," the ambiguity of the languages work brilliantly as Sam himself, our protagonist, doesn't understand, anyway. Plus it makes the situation more intense.

Between chapters two and three, I like that you didn't go into a massive in depth planning conversation on the behalf of Castriel, and that you just went straight into the action. Everything the reader needed to know you summed up in the first two paragraphs of chapter three.

The way you captured Dean was great, too. He's always walked on the dark side - so to speak - but Hell would definitely (obviously) have changed him. You portrayed his fear and confusion very well, and I even sensed a level of insanity. The entire situation was handled brilliantly.

As far as endings go, I thought this was a goody. You left it open for a continuation, whilst giving it a sense of finality, too. But a hopeful one. And it reinforced Sam's stubborn streak and his love for his brother.

Not so Strong Points:

This part is thoroughly subjective - that's the problem with grammar. Yes, there are rules, but there are variations of the rules and so many different schools of thought. There were a couple of things I noticed that, for you, might not actually seem like anything. On the rare occasion where I did spot something, though, it was usually just a missing comma. Like here:


With regards to this bit here:

For me, I don't like seeing numbers in prose - unless it's telling the time/decade. It's really stupid, and probably stems from my hatred of maths, but when I see a number in a fic I get images of text speak. Letters just flow better to me. But again, this is just opinion. There is no wrong or right method.

Something that always interests me is the way that you can use different words to say the same thing. For example, this bit here:

I would have used the expression - no pun intended - here. It seems to adopt that dry humorous tone you're going for better. Either way, though, your point comes across .

When trying to reinforce onomatopoeia here:

You've used capitals, which is something that I'm a bit 'iffy' about. I tend to bold things when I want to make an impact like that - for the word "Slam" it seems to give it more weight.

I've said it before, but when using ellipsis I think there should be a space after the "..." Purely to emphasise the pause/the hesitation/uncertainty. I would also have inserted a comma before "kid" to emphasise your later point about Sam hating being called that:


When writing dialogue, again there are many different techniques. Some people like to put a character's action on one line and their speech on another; others put them on the same line. I don't think there is a right or wrong way - providing there is significant flow - but you've used both methods. I think it's important to pick one technique and stick to it. For example:


Like I said, neither way is incorrect, I just think it works better if you don't mix the two.

Conclusion:

None of the "not as strong points" that I commented on detracted in any way from your fic. It was really, really good, and up there with some of the best Supernatural fics I've read. I thought your charcaterisation was spot on, and you handled a delicate situation brilliantly. Fantastic job!

Thanks for such a great critique, kaz. Yeah I do tend to mix them up sometimes--I wasn't quite sure which one to use. And apparently both are acceptable. I'll be more consistant next time. And I could have sworn I put a space after the elipsis.. hmm. Might have been something that got changed when I edited in ff.net.

Thanks re the characterization! I'm always anal about it so heh. Regarding numbers in prose: I was always told to use an actual number (3, 4, 5 etc) if it's lower than 5. That could be completely wrong, however. But I usually prefer to just print out numbers. Why I didn't this time, is like I said, because someone told me something and I went with it. It's one of those instances - like the dialogue lines - where I wasn't sure which way to go.

Anyway, thanks again for the lovely critique, I appreciate all of your insights. I'm definitely going to be working on some of the areas you suggested.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TQ: TQ: Since this is our first challenge with unlimited fandoms let's focus on that. How did you choose your fandom?

I picked Supernatural because it's a show in which I really enjoy investing my time and while I'm definitely not as great a writer as TPTB, I wanted to tackle an interesting premise I saw re the spoilers. Plus Dean's a super fun and enigmatic character and I love delving into the psychologicals of characters. And I'm sure I could have spent three chapters explaining how pretty Dean is but it's much more fun getting down into his mind and my take on it from what the writers have given us.

Also, it's a genre I'm not wholly familiar with. I've been doing a lot of sci-fi and drama and not a lot of horror/supernatural so it was nice to branch out into something far beyond my comfort zone. But one advantage to me for using this fandom is the extreme breathing room as far as reality goes. With CSI, there's a pretty regulated formula and AU fics aren't something I'm great at when looking at a show like CSI/Bones/NCIS etc. Supernatural allows for an open creativity that I normally wouldn't have with CSI.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Critique

Title: When were you
Author: lostladyknight

First of all, I seriously need to go out and buy this book now. Time travel and its effects on the space time continuum gives me a headache but it's still an interesting backdrop to the forever told 'love story'.

This was a unique choice and I thank you for writing it and giving me the opportunity to read something so far from my realm of comfort or knowledge. It means I certainly have a challenge on my hands. Yay!

Strong points:

I see you've written it in 3rd person as opposed to the book's 1st person. I like that you did it this way and it really afforded me, the reader, to gain an outside insight to Alba and her mother. I much prefer stories that are written this way for many reasons--all of which would take eons to explain.

I'm going to assume the beginning style with the description of the date, which character the chapter is surrounding is in sync with the style the original author of the book used. Kudos for getting the details right and not hop-skip-jumping right into things "just 'cause". Not that you would, but I hate when I read a story that should follow a certain format (Animorphs for example; each character has their own chapter and name at the beginning) which stays true to the original piece(s) but the person just starts out with "Okay, so chapter 1."

The above is a minor (great) thing I picked out but I'm a nerd and thought I'd mention it.

Your use of visuals was a great way to start out the ficlet. It really set the tone of the piece and placed the reader right where you wanted them and what you wanted them to be experiencing.

That being said, in the second paragraph when it's explained that Alba is outside naked on the front lawn seems to contrast the warmth of the previous visuals with a vulnerability and it definitely pulled me into the story. And I think this contrast is still present when she's inside the house, covered up in not only her mother's warmth but the literal warmth of the blanket and the house is dark.

Because the house is dark, perhaps this parallels Alba's mother's entire being? As was mentioned in the story, she becomes a shell of her former self and instead of looking toward the future, she looks "toward the past." So it seems like she's stuck in a very dark place and I'm not even sure she knows she's there. I feel that the sunlight that's creeping in from the blinds is her hope in a way that the man she's been pinning for will come back which was further evidenced in the line "Did he tell you?" in response to her daughter. And it's unfortunate, but it seems to be an eventual demise for her. One of the things I noticed when reading the synopsis/review for the book is that there was seldom a happy ending and your fic demonstrated that further.

As for Alba, she seems to have a great deal on her shoulders. It's almost as if she's the proverbial 'note passer' to a far extent between her mother and her father but more evidently the only connection her mother still has to the past. Alba's ability also, at times is both a blessing and a curse.

The last line, quoted from Shakespeare held very true for both Alba and her mother. I thought it was a brilliant way to end the piece. It actually gave me an 'ooh, ahh' moment when I went back and re-read it because it's just so relevant with everything that happened in your story. It didn't cheapen the story or cause it to lose any substance--it definitely added to it and it seemed to me that you really understand the meaning behind it as opposed to some who throws in a snappy/witty historical or literative quote to add in some spice where it may have been lacking. So in short, you know what you're talking about and that makes the reader more confident in the story and your ability to tell it.

Everything flowed well together and it was great fun for the analytical part of my brain. These characters seem so deep and I was hoping you'd continue on for more chapters but it was a great taste of your talent and what you're further capable of. You need to write a book. Like, right now. If you can do this well with a fan fic, imagine what you can do with an original piece. O_O. I'd buy your book. Just my opinion, of course.


Things to work on:

I actually couldn't find much and I'm not one to go searching for possible mistakes just to put something here-- 'cause I didn't see anything obscenely glaring back at me anyhow.

Great work!