The Challenge:

1. Word limit: 4000 maximum

2: Rating PG-13 or lower please

3. Incorporate your favorite song even if the character(s) wouldn’t listen to it.

4. The main character must be your favorite male character (any, spouse, friend, show character, child, ect.). You may involve other character(s) and you must incorporate an element of friendship in it.

5. Include the partial-line, “It was (It is (depending on tense)) stranger than fiction,” at some point in the piece. (ha, LLK, I liked this better than the last thing I had picked out).


The Assignments:

Mary Magdalene: Friendship Or Love http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4220931/1/F ... ip_or_Love

Adorelo: Where Everybody Knows Your Name http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4219251/1/W ... _Your_Name

LLK: Hurt http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4217672/1/Hurt

Zelda: At The End Of The Day http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4220435/1/A ... of_the_day

Speedcochrane: What He Wants http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4220753/1/What_He_Wants

Amanda Ruth: Five-Fold http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4222636/1/Five_Fold

Jennifer: I Can’t Get No Satisfaction http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4218634/1/I ... tisfaction

Marija Magdalena: To Rise Above And Beat It http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4218854/1/T ... nd_Beat_It


Critiques:



Story Title: Five Fold
By Adorelo
Critique by Amanda_Ruth
Critique by challenge – Project #3

Alright, since this story was broken into parts, that’s how I’m going to do this critique. I think I’m kinda stealing this idea from you, actually, so no biggie. Thanks for the idea! I’m going to critique each separate ‘part’, since they all seem to be like separate mini-stories. Kind of like a mini-series. Here goes everything:

*1.1 Professional*

*The Good*

Characterization
Okay, I’m going to start with characterization, because I’m not that good with Miami. But I think I have the basics down pretty well. I’m going to start with Horatio. I’ve always seen him as a bit smug, and I’ve never really liked him. His character is good, and he has a caring heart. He’s a good soul, I just always saw him as a bit pompous (I swear, it’s the sunglasses). Okay, let’s see if I can make any sense out of this. Basically, the way I see him is pompous, but the way he’s portrayed on the show is as a caring soul with the biggest heart. He cares about his team, and he’d do anything for them. He’s very forgiving, and that’s what is intriguing about him. You captured this perfectly. Without revealing all the circumstances behind what happened, you made it clear that he did something big for Eric, but it didn’t seem like that big of a deal to him. You also captured his demeanor quite well, also. Although a very caring and loving man, he has a slight smugness that makes him seem almost vain, but not at the same time. It’s incredible how you were able to catch this mixture so completely, without overdoing one or the other. He also always has that one comment to make about a general topic (at least, from what I’ve seen on the show) that makes so much sense, but none at all at the same time. And then he just leaves without explaining himself, like the smug jerk that he can be sometimes. My favorite example of his smugness and mannerisms is probably:

“ “It’s not a problem,” Horatio replied, lowering his head as he maintained eye contact. “

Also, I’ve noticed how emotionally fragile Eric can be at times, and that’s something that you also captured very well. He’s insistent on how much things mean to him, and is very open about what he’s feeling. Few people can capture that with anyone but Calleigh in their stories, but it’s true with others. It’s more so with Calleigh and Horatio, and – when he was alive – Speed. You were able to capture this with one scene that couldn’t have been more than one thousand words long. But you didn’t let it go unsaid that Horatio was only a friend at work. That he wouldn’t confide in him about personal matters, not like he did with Speed or does with Calleigh, anyway.

Plot
Well, there wasn’t much of a plot to this, but it almost seemed like a post ep, even though this didn’t follow an episode at all. It just started in the middle of a scene, at a crucial part for Eric. It was like flipping through channels and stopping at something when it’s almost over, just to catch the tail end of it. Now, in most cases, I would honestly say this was a bad thing. But, with yours, it seemed to have this unique quality that you don’t see often in this kind of story. I applaud you on getting the first good review from me on a scene like this.

*The Bad*
Hmm… the bad in this story is hard to come by, but it is there: mainly in the form of spelling and grammar errors. I’ll do what I did in one of my past critiques and put the quote from your story, then what I think it should be. I’ll put an explanation if it needs one, but most probably won’t. And you don’t have to make the changes if you don’t think it necessary.

Original Quote
“As though sensing the mans’ uncertainty, Horatio gave a soft pat on his shoulder.”
My Edit
“As though sensing the man’s uncertainty, Horatio gave him a soft pat on the shoulder.”
Explanation
The first change was obviously just a minor typo, so I fixed it for you. The second is up for debate, and, once again, you don’t have to change it if you don’t want to. This is just a possible change that you can make.

Original Quote
“He shook his head, defiantly.”
My Edit
“He shook his head defiantly.”

*The Ambiguous*
I’m not really conflicted on anything in this part. It was very well written. Onto the next part.

*1.2 Reality*

*The Good*

Characterization
Okay, this will be a tad more difficult, because I’m not as familiar with Natalia, seeing as I never really watch with her in it. I understand that there was an abusive boyfriend/ex-husband (I forgot) in her life, and that could contribute to her indecisiveness, I’m not totally sure. From what I know of her, she was a very strong woman, one who could hold her own. But in a moment of weakness, she never tried to hide it. She let people in when she needed to. From the little I know, I would say that she was very much in character until the end, when she said “Just friends?”.

Once again, you caught Eric’s character spot on. He’s a very sensitive man, always putting others before himself. At least, recently that’s been who he is. He hates hurting the people he loves and cares about, which is exactly what he’s facing in this scene. It’s absolutely beautiful, how you did it. And the fact that he cares enough to remain friends with Natalia… it’s just… wow. He’s so confident that they can make friendship work, despite everything that had happened between them, and that confidence is infectious. His willingness to make it work, as well. She can’t help but feel the same, because he is so convincing. It’s amazing. Simply perfect.

Plot
Now, as I recall, there was a time when Eric and Natalia slept together, but what I remember was it being a onetime thing. The way you wrote this made it seem like they tried to make a relationship work, which wouldn’t be at all surprising when it comes to Eric Delko. I think it would have been an interesting thing to explore further, and I’ve always been curious as to what would have come of it, had the show gone more into what happened between them. The pregnancy scare was bad, though… I don’t think I liked that.

*The Bad*

Amazingly enough, this is non-existent… and I’m usually so good at finding something wrong with anything! (I’m a pessimist… most of the time)

*The Ambiguous*

Honestly, I just really don’t know if I liked having this in at all, and I’m conflicted because the scene worked so well for something that I’ve been curious about. I don’t know… I’m just anti-Natalia, I guess.

*1.3 Reluctant*

*The Good*

Characterization
How you wrote Ryan in this part of the story was very in character for Eric. I’ve always noticed some animosity between them, and never really understood why… mainly because I didn’t watch many of the episodes with Tim Speedle. This anger that Eric has towards Ryan was never justified for me, because I didn’t understand the significance of Ryan’s presence. When I realized that he had, in fact, been Speed’s replacement, I finally understood why Eric resented his presence so much. The way you captured this resentment, and the fact that Eric is in denial of it, was beyond perfection (I know, I gush!). It was especially great when Eric finally accepted the fact that he bordered on hating Ryan. I think what I loved the most was the way Eric reacted to Ryan using Speed’s name. I can see him believing that Ryan’s use of his dead friend’s name is similar to a Catholic’s reaction to someone using the Lord’s name in vain, or something along those lines.

I think you caught Ryan perfectly as well. He’s always pushing to belong in CSI, as a transfer from… patrol, was it? Not completely sure. Anyway, trying to come into a position that was once filled by a close friend of everyone already there is hard enough, but when you’re like Ryan, it has to be ten times harder. Always trying to impress everyone around him, which can easily get annoying. He’s always eager to learn, which can also be trying to the patience of a person in Eric’s state of mind. But the fact that you kept him as he is supposed to be, and didn’t just change him around so he didn’t piss Eric off was wonderful. I loved it. Also, I can totally appreciate the fact that sometimes Ryan is an jackass, and doesn’t realize when he’s crossed a line. He does that, and you pulled it off so well.

Plot
Okay, I have always been very fascinated by the plot surrounding Speed’s death, mainly because I know nothing about it. I like to see how the characters feel about it, and bringing it up in Eric’s little tiff with Ryan was the best way I could think of to approach it. I really can’t say much about this, because there are no words to express how I feel about it. If I ever do discover those words, they will be in the form of a PM, I promise.

*The Bad*

Original Quote
“It was still on his hinges.”
My Edit
“It was still on its hinges.”

Original Quote
“I’ve not pissed anyone off, Wolfe.”
My Edit
“I haven’t pissed anyone off, Wolfe.”
Explanation
I feel like it’s more likely that Eric would say it like that. I don’t know why, it just sounds better like that… to me, at least.

Original Quote
“His eyes closed in recognition as a though flitted across his mind.”
My Edit
“His eyes closed in recognition as a thought flitted across his mind.”

Original Quote
“Wolfe’s words hit a chord…”
My Edit
“Wolfe’s worlds struck a chord…”
Explanation
According to what I’ve seen and heard before, I’m used to it being said the way I edited it… but, once again, it’s entirely up to you whether or not you change it.

Original Quote
“… griping the smaller man’s hand in his own in a firm, quick shake.”
My Edit
“… gripping the smaller man’s hand in his own in a firm, quick shake.”

*The Ambiguous*

Move along… nothing to see here.

*1.4 Sorrow*

*The Good*

Characterization
As always, your take on how Eric would feel in a scene was perfect to his character. I can actually picture him tossing a ball up and down, talking to a friend who is no longer able to be there. His faith that his friend would be able to hear him, despite the fact that he’s dead, is so believable to me. It’s eerily similar to what I do with my late sister. And holding onto something that means so much to him and represents such an important moment between the two friends is something Eric would most likely do. It seems that you have a grasp on his character that I haven’t seen in most Eric/Calleigh stories. It’s damn scary, that’s for sure.

Plot
There doesn’t really seem to be much of a plot in this section, so instead I’ll comment on the scene you created. Having the balance of life in a place that is so well known for death was incredible, because I’m not used to noticing the life around me when I visit my sister’s grave. As you said, it is a curious mix. But I think you brought out something that most people don’t realize when they’re in such a death-ridden place: that life goes on. Death does not mean the end of all life, and you brought that out by simply having birds flying about in a cemetery, singing their little hearts out. I think the fact that it was the anniversary of Speed’s death was so heavy, my heart was in a cast iron grip. I almost cried. I’m serious.

I really don’t want to say anything bad or ambiguous about this part, simply because it was my favorite (anything I said was my favorite before this was a lie… I just liked it a lot). So, I’ll move along, and don’t worry, there were no glaring errors that needed to be pointed out. I promise.

*1.5 Possibilities*

*The Good*

Song Choice
Alright, this is where the song you used came in, and I must say, good choice. I love Brad Paisley, and though it took me a bit, I can definitely see how Celebrity fit into this story. It’s so lighthearted, it sets the scene for what is a celebration between a group of friends.

Characterization
Alright, this is where you brought Calleigh in, which I had been anticipating from the beginning. I get a bit worried whenever someone uses Calleigh, just because her character is so difficult to capture perfectly. Now, in a light situation such as a party, she is definitely going to be a bit more carefree, which you definitely pulled off. And you also brought in her more serious side when Eric started to advance on her a bit. She is always so protective, but she seemed to bring down her defenses a bit. You did this in a way that stayed so in character, I could hardly believe it. I thought for sure that you would have her do something out of character, but what ended up happening was the most in character thing I could possibly think of. I won’t say what, because I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t read it yet, but you know the end of your story well enough to know what I’m talking about.

Imagery, formerly known as Plot
Okay, the imagery… oh, shoot. You make it so hard to describe your imagery… because you’ve already done it so perfectly. My favorite thing was when you had Eric trying to get closer to Calleigh. I could almost see that actually happening. But, I’ll point out in *The Bad* what I didn’t like about this scene. Yes, there is something I didn’t like O_o.

*The Bad*
Okay, this is where I’m going to tell you what I didn’t like about this scene. Of all the scenarios I’ve imagined with Eric and Calleigh finally getting together, none of them had other people – from work, I mean – around. They’ve always been alone or in some secluded restaurant… not where their coworkers could discover them. That kind of thing always just seems to irk me. That is all.

*The Ambiguous*

Hm… I don’t believe I’ve used this section more than once… and I don’t intend on using it now… I guess I just had it because I wanted to be clever. You know, The Good, The Bad, and The Ambiguous? Get it? Wow… I is lame!

*Thoughts in General*

Character Use
Something that I rarely see in good stories is the interaction of the main character with more than one or two characters, especially in one shots. You pulled something I had never seen before, and I commend you on the excellent way you did it. I got to see Eric converse with Horatio, Natalia, Ryan, AND Calleigh… not just one or two of them! It was a treat, I must say.

Writing Style
This form of story organization is like nothing I’ve seen before, and it was very creative. I like how it separates scenes completely, not involving a previous one with the next one in the series of shorts. Even though this is true, they seem to fit well together, making it one story, not five.


Alright, that’s all I have to say about this story. It was very good, I must say. But who knew I could say so much about a story that isn’t even 4000 words long?

*TQ*

Did you find it easy or hard to write about friendship? Was it difficult straying away from your norms? Do you think your writing was influenced by the show, or was it primarily an ‘off screen’ friendship?

I haven’t watched CSI: New York as much as much as I used to recently, but from the snippets I remember from when I did watch it, he and Flack seemed to be pretty close friends. I was always fascinated by Danny and his relationships with the people he works with. I loved his almost hero-worship of Mac, but I was even more entranced by his friendship with Flack. Those are the kinds of friends I like… the kind of friends who goof on each other all the time! They are the most fun to write, and most times, for me, the easiest. Writing this was no exception… until I got to the conflicted emotions in Danny’s relationship with Rikki. He seems to care for her so much, but it seems to go beyond friendship, and that’s what had me addicted to the prospect of them being together.

And, if I said that this wasn’t hard for me to write, I’d be a damn liar! This was the hardest story I have ever had the pleasure of writing. I actually loved writing new characters, because it was becoming so dull and monotonous writing CSI all of a sudden. This gave me the new enthusiasm to do other stuff that was different. I’m just happy that Danny has always been my favorite out of ANY of the CSIs… not just male… I mean, Sara was, but she left. And… she got annoying after a while. Danny has always been awesome, in my mind’s eye.

I’m pretty sure, from what I’ve contemplated, that I was more influenced by the show than anything else. Some other CSI: New York stories that I read always seem to portray Danny and Flack as good friends who care about each other, which is something that I tried to capture in the piece I wrote for the challenge. But, I think a lot of the friendship you get with characters is mainly off screen, because the shows are trying to focus more on the science aspect of it again. I feel there is a lack of CSI connections… which irks me, because the science needs to be balanced out with some kind of personal relationship.

Anyway, onto my critique of an amazing story that only I get to critique! MWAHAHAHAHA! (but y’all should review it. It’s pretty kickbutt)


Story Title: Hurt
By: speedcochrane
Critique By: lostladyknight
Critique By Challenge- Project Number 3.




Critique:


This was by far one of the best Horatio pieces that I've ever read and I'm not just saying that. It truly is. I read it first a few hours ago when the assignments first appeared, took it in, and decided to come back a while later to read it a second time. Like a good book there were may details that I didn't pick up on the first time and I bet if I read it again there would be even more. I almost wish that your writing was more flawed so that I could give you a better critique but I'm going to try to do the best I could.


There were things about this piece that just wowed me. Some of the thoughts that you had Horatio thinking and some of the things you had him saying were just so in character it was uncanny. I may not know his character that well but I feel pretty certain that if you'd strayed too far from him I would have picked up on it and there was none of that. You have an amazing handle on him as a character. Though this piece was a tough angsty road for H, I could see him walking it vividly.


“Mala Noche justice... meet Miami Justice.”


A prime example of what I was talking about. Absolutely Horatio. Or the scientific way he explained the reaction he was having to the pain in his hands.


Another thing that I would love to compliment you on is your beautiful language. I just love your style with writing. Some of your images were painted so clearly that it just sent chills down my spine. Seriously. It was just so good. So real. I really don't know how to describe it other than saying it was real. Thats the best way I can really describe it. It was just... real.


A sharp crackle. Screams. Caine turned his head to see Marisol descend to a paved fate. Seconds were disguised as laggard minutes. Her sullen eyes locked with his, scared and questioning. A veiw he dreaded once more...


Chilling and beautiful.


Another thing I noticed, and loved, was the way Horatio's name shifted from Horatio to Caine. How he was Caine when he was someone he didn't recognize. It was a subtle way of adding an extra highlight to the differences between Horatio and who he was in this fic. While it was all Horatio, all in character, you could see the differences between who he is on the outside and who he is on the inside. It was a Jekyll/Hyde effect and I think that you displayed it beautifully.


There were so many other subtle things that I think I picked up on but if I keep going I'm going to be giving you a critique like fourteen miles long and nobody wants that. So... I'm just going to leave this by telling you that you did a fantastic job. I love this interpretation of the challenge. Fantastic.


TQ: Did you find it easy, or hard to write about friendship? Was it difficult straying from your norms? Do you think your writing was influenced by the show, or was it primarily and 'off screen' friendship?
Well this challenge was a lot harder for me to write than the last one. Not sure what that means though. It wasn't that hard to write about friendship. The tough part was deciding which of the several friendship plots I really wanted to use. I had several that I'd thought up and outlined. The rest will be turning into fanfictions in the future, not sure when. I also really didn't stray from my norms much at all with this one. It was a challenge that was very easy to bend to fit with the usual way I write things. I guess I just have an out of the box way of looking at things. And while it was an off-screen friendship it was heavily influenced by the show. Ever since the episode “Lying Down With Dogs” aired and I saw Nick's reaction to the plight of the dogs I knew that something like this was coming from me. I felt a deep connection with Nick in that moment and I was just waiting for the right outlet for that. I guess I found it.

Story Title: What He Wants
By: Amanda_Ruth
Critique By: speed_cochrane
Critique By Challenge- Project Number 3.

Okay, the firstly, I just want to say that I don't read a whole lot of NY but I do watch the show almost as much as I watch Miami, so I think I have a pretty good handle on it. lol and hopefully I can provide a good critique.

Plot

I love that you chose the Rikki/Lindsay dilemma to showcase the friendship between Danny and Flack. Plus, the whole Rikki ordeal was some great development for Danny and just begged to be delved into deeper by a great writer--enter, Amanda. I have to admit though, I was a bit worried that this plot wouldn't work well for a one shot because of its complexity, but you wrote it wonderfully. It was a contrast between the angst and lightheartedness between Danny and Flack to uplift. Their discussion had me giggling in some parts and saying 'awww' in other parts! You made it so clear that they have this bond and it doesn't always have to be explicitely shown. Sometimes a smirk or a quirky pet name can say it all--plus Flack was sort of taking care of Danny which was subtely shown by him helping Danny into the car. I also liked that the friendship aspect didn't take up all of the fic and that you included a conclusion/decision on Danny's part.

The songs

The music you used was awesome and fit very well with the tone and theme of the story. It didn't inhibit the story in any way, but added to it. I kind of saw it as a recipe. You had all these elements brought together (humour, friendship, angst, excellent description and imagery) and then the songs added that spice to compliment and meld it together for a savory finish.

Characterization

I know you were worried about it, but I thought it was all very in-character. It may have been because of Zelda's help, or you or a mix of both but in the end, it didn't come off as 'the writer not knowing what she's doing'. Nothing seemed forced--quite the opposite. It actually seemed as though you were relaxed, writing for them. Also, like I said above with Flack 'taking care of Danny', so-to-speak was very much a truth about their friendship. Flack always seemed (to me) like a big brother to Danny so I was glad to see that Danny wasn't like "wth r u doin @ my house? We lyke, dont even no each othr." Also, Danny's my favourite character from NY so I was glad that you chose him and characterized him properly. It just sends shooting pains into my skull when people either spell the character's name wrong, make them say "yo dawg" and expect me to believe it or clothing shinannigans. You didn't do any of those things so kudos. I could visualize everything down to what they were saying to the clothes they were wearing. Nice job.

Grammar

I didn't find anything, so kudos once more! Plus, I normally don't like to critique grammar unless I know that person isn't used to writing/hasn't done it before/not familiar with grammar... I already know you're a great writer so anything I would have found would probably have been a silly oversight anyhow.

Areas to work on

I honestly tried to find something--anything to suggest but I couldn't find anything. By the time I had something posted here, I figured out what you were trying to do and it was correct, heh.

The only thing that I could possibly suggest is to not be so awesome next time so I have more to write.

So overall, I really loved this story. It kept me interested to the end and the fact that you took some time to develop it and didn't shoot into Danny spilling his guts in the first sentence made it worth the while and effort. Plus, wherever you encorporated elements from the challenge (ie. 'it was stranger than fiction, songs, etc) it was seamless and didn't seem like 'ZOMG I have to put this in. CLUNK. There.' Everything looked as if it had a purpose.

TQ: Did you find it easy, or hard to write about friendship? Was it difficult straying from your norms? Do you think your writing was influenced by the show, or was it primarily and 'off screen' friendship?

I found friendship fairly easy to write it about. Why? It's simple. Almost everyone has experienced friendship at one point in their life -- including me -- so already I had something to draw from. It's not like love or sex where in order to write something that tells the reader there's an actual understanding taking place in the writer's brain, an experience/knowledge has to be there. And that's just complicated anyway. So friendship was a nice breather.

Was it difficult straying from my norms? Definitely. I've been writing an unstructured satiric script-fic for almost three years and the amount written outside of that since its inception can be counted on one hand. For this challenge, I definitely had to step out of that mindset. And the fact that my word programs didn't have spell check made it that much more difficult. It's a good thing I know my ABCs. Yeah, okay so there are spell checkers online but I'm far too lazy double click sometimes.

I'd say my writing was influenced moreso by the show than anything else. I know I've said that I could draw from experience, but that was a small part in retrospect. I mainly wanted to delve into what the show has already told us. There's a lot of mystery surrounding how Horatio thinks and feels, and because it's been established that he's formed bonds between his team and people who are long gone, I wanted to explore that. I think if my writing were 100% influenced 'off-screen', I would have a hard time with characterization. There's my experiences and then there's the character's reaction to various events. When we're only given so much by TPTB, interpretation based upon a small mixture of experience and a large dash of characterization goes a long way. Hopefully, heh.


TQ: Did you find it easy, or hard to write about friendship? Was it difficult straying away from your norms? Do you think your writing was influenced by the show, or was it primarily an ‘off screen’ friendship?



I find friendship an interesting thing to write about. There can be friendship on so many different levels, between diverse people, likely or unlikely, and I think exploring different relationships can be fascinating. Having said that, it can be a bit tricky trying to write about a particular friendship that I haven’t personally experienced. Fortunately I’m a real people-watcher, which can help (unless your ‘subjects’ don’t like being watched, in which case you better be able to run fast!!). And I love watching my teenage kids with their friends in different contexts to see how their relationships work – but then teenagers are fascinating creatures on any level!

Friendship in this particular story? OK. This is where I have to confess. I’m not sure I actually included the friendship criteria in my story as such; or if I did, I’m not sure which particular bit was the “friendship” bit! Horatio does a favour for Yelina, which I guess could allude to their friendship. At one point, Horatio thinks that maybe having to spend the evening with non-stop talker Cristina is Yelina’s way of ‘punishing’ him for all the times he’s messed her around in the past. I just got the idea that she would probably do that, knowing that their friendship was strong enough for him to take it in the spirit she meant it, deal with it, and get over it!

However, the main story was actually about Horatio NOT getting on with someone – and I so enjoyed writing that! Maybe this was straying from one of my norms, because Horatio is usually so nice to everyone, and that’s how I would usually write his character. Even when he doesn’t like a person, we never see Horatio getting really shirty, we don’t get let in on his thoughts, and we never really see him in a bad mood. This time I just thought it would be fun to do a take on that for a change. And it was!


Critique
Story Title: Friendship or Love?
By: Texas Jen
Critique by: Mary Magdalen
Critique by challenge: Project #3

The story itself:
The idea that you put in the summary, of Eric as “a man on a mission”, was really played out throughout the story. You captured perfectly his thought processes as he starts off daydreaming, and his obvious enjoyment at the memories of moments with his best friend Calleigh, then it seems to become more than just daydreaming. Finally it builds to the moment when Eric realises that he’s thought about his love for Calleigh, and her love for him, for so long, and he finally – but not suddenly – makes the decision to do something about it. And when he does... oh boy!!! Hot stuff!!!

Use of language:
The opening paragraph made a great start to the story, using really descriptive language to set the scene with Eric chilling on the balcony with a beer at the end of a long, hot day. I could just picture it, you described it so well. I’m not familiar with the song you used, or the singer [Mark Chesnutt, Rollin’ With The Flow], but if the song is as good as it’s title, it would just fit the mood perfectly.

Another well written bit was where Eric turns up on Calleigh’s doorstep: “The surprised look on her face was quickly replaced by a warm smile, and then a softly whispered ‘Eric’”. I could absolutely hear Calleigh saying that, in that perfect totally “Calleigh” way.

Characterisation:
Spot on! You mentioned Eric getting shot; I think on the show he’s changed since that incident, and you really captured the post-shooting Eric. He’s not so frivolous now, he’s a lot more careful. He’s become more serious, more responsible, and you have him, taking time to think his way through things, trying to rationalise the situation, and debating between his head and his heart to get to his final decision to take action.

"With a determination he hadn’t felt in a long time, Eric got up from the chair, dumped the bottle in the trash, slipped on a pair of shoes, grabbed his car keys, and left. He was on a mission.” I think this line also captures an aspect of Eric post-shooting, namely his lack of self-confidence. I think you got him just right.

Any bad stuff?
Erm... I found one whole spelling mistake. And... Eric threw his beer bottle in the trash instead of recycling it. (Yeah, I know, I’m just getting desperate now!)

Not much to point out really, except one thing that I found with all the stories written for this challenge that I’ve read so far. That is, fitting in the sentence “It is/was stranger than fiction”. In every one I’ve read so far, it doesn’t seem to quite fit, it feels a bit contrived, and in some cases a bit cheesy – and I include my own contribution in that. In fact, confession time again: I didn’t even use the line properly in my fic, so I guess all you other guys have done better than me on that score, so I really shouldn’t be moaning about it, should I?

OK. I’ll just shut up! But not before saying thanks for a great story. They’ve all been so different for this challenge, it’s amazing how a few basic ideas can give birth to so much creative variety!


Story Title: I Can't Get No Satisfaction
By (Authors name) Marija Magdalena
Critique by (your name) Jennifer
Critique by challenge - Project #3

Wow…Calleigh, Natalia, and Valera doing karaoke! That I would like to see! I would never do that myself as it would be completely embarrassing, so I could really feel Calleigh’s pain, and embarrassment. And if Calleigh did drink too much and sang in front of a bunch of people…yep, she would be embarrassed. That’s not something I could see her doing sober.

That was an easy and interesting way to work in your favorite song. Yeah…karaoke! Me, I would’ve agonized over it so long I would’ve made it hard on myself, trying to figure out how to work a song in, and thus would’ve had some horribly contrived way to work in the song. As it is, I finished my story *without* my favorite song, and when checking to make sure I included all the required elements, I began to read thru my story to find a place to fit it in, and luckily it fit in the first paragraph!

I liked how you effectively told Calleigh’s state of mind…

Like this one…
“…she stared in front of herself. Every now and then she swallowed hard and blushed like she remembered something very embarrassing."

And this one…
"Still, she just looked at him and then she settled her gaze back on some invisible spot on the wall behind Eric."

These two passages set the scene for Calleigh’s mood…in the first one she’s clearly so embarrassed by her actions that she can do nothing but stare into space, swallowing every so often, and blushing. In the second passage, she’s clearly distracted, again staring off into space


Areas to work on:

Characterization: But you realized this needed help as you said it yourself before the story even started…it’s a bit out of character for Calleigh. The thing is though, good stories are written so that the characters stay in character. Perhaps there was a way you could have tweaked the story so that Calleigh stayed in character.

There ere are some things about characters that we can surmise on our own based on behaviors on the show, but some are definite. Like drinking alcohol…I don’t believe Calleigh has ever said one way or the other whether or not she drinks, and I don’t believe she’s ever had an alcoholic drink on the show, so it’s up to an individual’s opinion as to whether or not Calleigh would choose to drink alcohol, given her father’s alcoholism. One thing not really up to debate is the way Calleigh has a tendency to keep her emotions to herself. She’s very closed off, keeping her feelings to herself. With the exception of the scene at the ambulance in SYG, she’s never really lost control of her emotions, and in that scene she wasn’t really at work, and she was alone with Eric. So, in this story, it really was uncharacteristic of Calleigh to get emotional at work (although in this story it wasn’t crying, she was just embarrassed about her actions). I do believe she would confide in Eric, they’re that close…but certainly no one else. So perhaps you could have tweaked the story a bit so that they had the conversation somewhere else, just not at work.

Would Calleigh have gotten tipsy…again, it’s up for speculation and I venture to say that most would say she wouldn’t because of her Dad’s issue with alcoholism and the fact that she didn’t have the best home life as a child because of it, and has had to rescue him when he has been drunk. Would she have sung karaoke…doubtful she would do it sober, but again that’s something that would be debatable.

Punctuation:
The biggest issue I saw with punctuation is when you included conversation, spoken words. I’ll show you what I mean in the way that Amanda_Ruth did in her critique.
Original Quote:
“I cant believe that this is happening to me. It is so embarrassing.”, she said.
My Edit:
“I can’t believe that this is happening to me. It is so embarrassing,” she said.

Original Quote:
"No, not particularly.”, she answered with a slightly trembling voice.
My Edit:
“No, not particularly,” she answered with a slightly trembling voice.

Note that the spoken words end with a comma, then come the end quote marks. The (.) period comes at the end. Here’s another.

Original Quote:
Oh, God, this is so embarrassing…”, Calleigh had to swallow hard before she continued: “So, I obviously said ‘Dare’ and then they said that… that I have to sing a song
My Edit:
"Oh God, this is so embarrassing.” Calleigh had to swallow hard before she continued, “So, I obviously said ‘dare’ and then they said that…that I have to sing a song.”

In this example, there wasn’t a “Calleigh said” phrase after, so the period came at the end of the spoken words, before the end quote marks.

Other punctuation errors were on contractions – “cant” should be “can’t”, and “Ive” is “I’ve”.

Another area to work on is the words you use…mostly the tense of the word, spelling, and the use of words that aren’t real words.

Like these…

Suddenly she looked Eric straight in the eyes and panicly asked
Besides, you panicly asked me

“Panicly” isn’t a word. Panic, panicked, and panicking are. The above could have been said like:

"Suddenly she looked Eric straight in the eyes, and panicking, she asked…”
Or
"Suddenly she looked Eric straight in the eyes. Panicking, she asked…”

And
“Besides, you panicked, asking me…”
Or
“Besides, you panicked and asked me…”
As for the tense of a word, the past tense should be used…

Original Quote:
This was the side of Calleigh that Eric didn't know and he knew Calleigh better then anyone else.
My Edit:
This was the side of Calleigh that Eric didn’t know and he knew Calleigh better than anyone else.

Original Quote:
He watched Calleigh hopping that she will continue her story so that he can realize what was wrong, but she was silent.
My Edit:
He watched Calleigh hoping that she would continue her story so that he could realize what was wrong, but she was silent.

Original Quote:
Cal, you really got me scared. I thought it was something serious. You have a nice voice, so I don't see whats all this drama about. And, I don't know why did this hit you right now. I mean, you haven't even mentioned it last night or this morning.”
My Edit:
“Cal, you really haveme scared. I thought it was something serious. You have a nice voice, so I don’t see what all this drama is about. And I don’t know why this hit you right now. I mean, you haven’t even mentioned it last night or this morning.”

************************************************** *******
TQ: Did you find it easy, or hard to write about friendship? Was it difficult straying away from your norms? Do you think your writing was influenced by the show, or was it primarily an ‘off screen’ friendship?

Easy! Friendship is so very easy to write. There are so many possibilities on what friends did or can do. Is it difficult to stray from my norm...considering my norm is "romance" and I didn't stray, I'd have to say "yeah!". Seriously, I can't write a story and NOT have romance in it. Anything I think up to write about will always have some romance in it, my heart would not be in it to write a story that didn't have a least a bit of romance.

My story was a combination of stuff that was seen on the show, and interaction that would've taken place off the show, although I find it much easier to write stuff that is primarily 'off screen'...letting the imagination run wild (but not that wild!).

************************************************** ********
Leni,

Thank you for the nice critique. I know what you mean by the "it was stranger than fiction' being contrived. I had the hardest time with that line, trying to fit it in somewhere. I guess if we'd have had longer than a week to write a story I could have come up with something more fitting the phrase, I think we all could have!

As I said above, my song choice was added at the very end, after I finished the story. I had to go back and fit it in because I'd forgotten to include that element. Luckily it fit right into the first paragraph. The song is a country song off the singer's 2006 album, only recently getting airplay (that I know of), but it is a slow relaxing kind of song, or at least it puts me in a relaxing mood. Ironically, the song is about a guy that isn't settling down like all his friends are, not thinking of getting married, having kids, etc.

Critique

Story Title: At the End of the Day
By MaryMagdalene
Critique by Zelda49
Critique by challenge - Project #3


Things to work on:
I know this whole group is supposed to be about providing constructive criticism so we can improve our writing, but I honestly can’t find much of anything to criticize. The one think I did find was When Horatio was interviewing Charles you said he wanted to “swing for the guy”. It seemed a bit awkward to me because the phrase that I am used to is “take a swing at the guy”. It was such a minor thing, though, that it slipped my mind as soon as I was past it and had to go back and hunt for it for this critique.

Things that were good:
First of all, I love your writing style. You have a very smooth delivery, and come across as intelligent without using a bunch of big words to try and prove it. That makes your work very easy to read, so much so that I actually forgot I was reading and just let the story play out in my mind. I liked all of the cases you incorporated: how the three that H dealt with in the beginning (and end) were things that we see on the show all the time, but that they clearly affected him; how the main murder at the lecture was planned and described without being over-detailed and too technical; how you wrapped everything up at the end to give H (and the reader) some piece of mind and allow him to relax…unless Cristina has anything to say about it! You did a great job with her, creating her, keeping her personality consistent. It almost seemed as though we’d seen her before on the show, you know? She fit into the world of CSI:Miami seamlessly even though she didn’t exist there until now.

The elements of the challenge were nicely incorporated, too. Friendship was all over the place: between H and Yelena, and between H and Cristina (in a manner of speaking!). The song, too, fit the theme of the piece, and I’m going to go download it as soon as I’m done here. I adored, too, how you fit in the “stranger than fiction” requirement as a clichéd phrase that an egotistical actor would use. Great job! I’ve become a big fan of your writing!

TQ: Did you find it easy, or hard to write about friendship? Was it difficult straying away from your norms? Do you think your writing was influenced by the show, or was it primarily an ‘off screen’ friendship?

For me, friendship is an easy thing to write about in all of its aspects. Like speedcochrane said, everyone has experienced it, good and bad, so I have personal knowledge to draw on. At the same time, my fic was influenced a lot by the show, for characterization, yes, but also for the plot itself. Ryan was just such a lonely-looking guy in the episodes at the end of season five and the beginning of season six that when I listened to “Where Everybody Knows Your Name” it just clicked in my mind—the whole song is about how much life can suck, but if you’re with your friends you don’t mind so much. You can sort of deal because you know they have problems, too, but you’ll all be there for each other and get through it all together. That seemed to me to be exactly what Ryan had gone through. But it wasn’t really outside the norm for me, with the exception that Ryan was the main character. I haven’t done a lot with him yet, but I wanted to and I liked what came out as a result.


Story Title: Where everybody knows your name
By (Authors name) Zelda
Critique by (your name) adorelo
Critique by challenge - Project #3

Well, let me start off by saying, great song choice! And so wonderfully incorporated with Ryan, how you made the pain of being ‘new’ radiate through the piece. It’s like one of those ‘coming of age’ stories, where the character is still tying to find out where he belongs. It was perfect.

I liked how it was about his name. About how, at the bank, he’s ‘Mr. Wolfe’; to H, he’s ‘Mr. Wolfe’ but to some, he’ll always be ‘Ryan’. Secondly, I will have to commend you on making me like Ryan. When I first noticed who I was critiquing I though, ‘Ohhh, I have Zelda!’ but then, I noticed who the main character was and I was a little worried. I normally hate Ryan. On the show, he’s not too bad, but I hate the way people write him in fiction. He always comes across wrong and I’ve never seen anyone get his character bang on.

And then you arrived and changed my mind. I thought you captured his character perfectly. I actually found myself liking him so, well done!

Also, great incorporation of the ‘it’s stranger than fiction’ line. I was excited to see how everybody would use it. I think yours was the funniest, a guy killing himself pretending to be Tarzan. Funny, but still with that serious undertone.

Then, you changed tones again very successfully, I may add) by adding a hint of melancholy to the moment (Ryan wanting to go somewhere where everybody knows your name). It can be tricky, changing tone in a scene (something Miami only pulls off well occasionally). But I thought you did it very well. Primarily because you never really lost that slight hint of sadness underneath, even during the more light hearted moments. Very well done.

I love how you ended. Horatio finally calling Ryan by his first name, making their relationship just that little more personal. I enjoyed how you didn’t focus on just one friendship but, like me, incorporated elements of many. It’s funny to think of the lab being like a ‘cheers’ hehe. But I’ll think of that next time I watch the show.

Thanks Zelda, I really enjoyed this.

TQ: Did you find it easy, or hard to write about friendship? Was it difficult straying away from your norms? Do you think your writing was influenced by the show, or was it primarily an ‘off screen’ friendship?

TQ: I found it surprisingly easy to write about friendship. When LLK and myself decided on friendship, I was looking forward to seeing which friendships people chose. Always one to make things difficult for myself, I chose to focus on not one, but five. I was influenced by moments in the show, drawing on things I’ve seen and enhancing them. The show doesn’t focus on it’s characters as much as it should, but that’s why we have Fanfiction. I drew on the small moments of the show and made them bigger within my story. Me being me, I couldn’t stay away from angst too much, even while writing about friendship and I enjoyed how I could write about five different types of friendship. I didn’t really stray away from my norms as everything I write included an element of friendship somewhere, be that strained, happy, sad, not enough… I had fun with this challenge, so thank you all for taking part.

Story Title:To Rise Above and Beat It
By lostladyknight
Critique by Marija Magdalena
Critique by challenge - Project #3

First of all let me say that this is my first Nick story I have ever read.

Likes:

I think it`s great that you chose to write from the dog`s perspective. It is very original and interesting. I also liked how you portrayed Buck`s feelings. I could totally connect with them and understand them. I was able to feel everything while I was reading and that is something only a few writers can do well.

"Dark brown eyes lifted slowly off the couch when the sounds of keys started jingling on the other side of the door knob. Watching with an eerie alertness there was no preventing the shaking sensation that overcame him every time someone got ready to walk through the door."

I like these sentences so much. Your stile is great. I like the way of writing where you can enjoy, not just the plot, but the sentences as well.

I think that the way you wrote about the relationship between Nick and Buck is beautiful. I`m also glad that you didn`t finish the story like in a fairytale.

"People always got angry, eventually, and they always punished you mercilessly.But something told him Nick just wasn’t like that."

This was a great way to finish it.

It`s admirable how you wrote about Buck`s past without going to some horrific details, but still wrote enough for us to imagine what did he go through.

One more thing: the line "It was stranger then fiction" was inserted nicely. It didn`t feel odd and if I didn`t know that this was a challenge I would have thought that you actually thought of it yourself


Dislikes:

I really couldn`t find anything. I honestly enjoyed this story.

Song:

I almost forgot this one. That song is great. I love it.



OK, so that`s my review. I haven`t wrote anything about characterization because I haven`t watched CSI in years (it stopped airing a long time ago here in Serbia), so I can not remember anything about Nick (well except his face), but I think that it was nicely done.

TQ: Did you find it easy, or hard to write about friendship? Was it difficult straying away from your norms? Do you think your writing was influenced by the show, or was it primarily an ‘off screen’ friendship?

Well, I wrote about friendship in a romantic relationship so it wasn`t that hard. I actually wanted to write strictly friendship EC story, but my shipper heart just couldn`t do that. Eric and Calleigh are not a couple in the show (yet, I must say) so it was an 'off screen' relationship.

So, that was it. I`m sorry for keeping you waiting, Lostladyknight...



***Zelda49 did a 2nd Critique of LLK's fanfic To Rise Above and Beat It***

I'm supposed to be cleaning my apartment--the family is coming down for a visit soon, and my mother is a bit of a clean freak (which is probably where I get it from)--but the opportunity to read about Buck and Nick was too much fun for me to leave for later. I took some time and went back over the story with a more critical eye this time, rather than one of just pleasure reading. I have to say, though, I didn't find much to criticize There were a couple of nit-picky grammar things I found. "Nick was the first one that had ever stopped and tried to be kind to him. Who had ever taken a real effort to do things slowly and the way he wanted." could have been "Nick was the first one that had ever stopped and tried to be kind to him, who had ever taken a real effort to do things slowly and the way he wanted." and in "He eased back a bit so that he was using the full capacity of the leash but it wasn?t taught with his effort." I think you meant to use "taut", as in pulled tightly. "Taught" is what I hope I've done for my students at the end of the day Those are the only things I could even conceive of changing. I read the reviews left for you on ff.net, and whoever that girl was that said you wrote Nick wrong was way off. Your characterization of Nick was so spot on it was like watching a movie in my head, complete with the perfect words coming out of his mouth. You did a great job with Buck, too. If it's possible to crawl inside the head of an abused fighting dog, I think you did it. Writing the story from Buck's point of view was a stroke of genius, one that 99 out of 100 people would have never thought of doing, and it works out so well. The elements from the challenge are all in there too, and they fit so well I almost didn't notice them--they just blended in with the rest of the piece. And y'know, I have to say that I like the phrase you chose for the title. The verse you picked from "Waiting on the World to Change" fits poor little Buck pretty well, but the phrase you extracted for the title really says it all. I know how it is when you write something you're just not happy with, but you did a great job with this! In fact, I loved it so much I favorited it when I read it the first time. If there's anything else I can do for you, don't be shy in asking. I'm always happy to lend a hand!